Citing an ambiguous 1977 economic emergency act, President Trump issued an edict   demanding U.S. companies move out of China and urged them to return to the United States. “We don’t need China, and we’re  far better off without them,” the president tweeted.    When asked how quickly he thought he could move his Chinese golf cap, neck tie and travel mug manufacturing back to the United States, the president disdainfully replied, “The president can just kiss my ass.  The president of the United States can not tell the president of the United States what to do.  You can’t just pull out of country on a whim. There’s equipment to move, arrangement have to be made for raw materials, and with Chinese  labor I make much more money than I can employing American workers, believe me.  The president should know this demand  is something that the president should never realistically be expected to obey.”

President Trump perceptively pointed out that regardless he was sure that there was  some other obscure law he could enforce that would prohibit him from going to all that trouble.

Leaving no stone unturned in his quest to make America great again, President Trump has announced he is taking a hard look at the animals listed in the Endangered Species Act.  In a brief conversation with reporters from the grounds of his New Jersey golf course, the president indicated that it was time to stop coddling so many members of the animal kingdom.   “We have to do something,” the president said.  “You look around and you see all these wild animals holding up progress and squatting on land that has precious oil reserves. What do they do for us?   There aren’t many wild animals contributing anything to this country, believe me.”

When one reporter challenged his interpretation of progress and contribution, the president was quick to point out that in many places there aren’t many wild animals around anymore anyway.  “Look at wolves.  They’re disappearing.  It’s like they’ve given up.  There are winners and losers.  What would you rather have anyway-  a hand-full of slimy otters or a mile long train-load of  beautiful, clean coal.  Beavers haven’t given us anything  since felted hats. And let’s say you’re building a big, beautiful golf corse and then all of a sudden you can’t complete the 36th fairway because of some stupid eagle’s nest.  Give me a break!”

EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler defended the president’s position.  He bluntly stated that  animals just are not pulling their weight.  “Wild animals are becoming a nuisance.  It only makes sense to establish something like the ‘public charge’ standards that we’re doing with immigration.  We let these wild animals roam around, a lot of them going into places they’re not wanted, eating our nuts and berries, even vandalizing property and dumping over garbage cans.  Pretty ungrateful if you ask me.”