Monthly Archives: March 2018

Facebook Shenanigans

As you are now well aware one of the best places around to get fake news is right here on Facebook.  Well guess what?  Apparently my fake news is too fakey or not fakey enough, or something.  My secret sources are telling me they never saw my last two posts.  Something fishy is going on here.  I am reposting both- Trump Organization To Test Lucrative Pornography Market and White House Tragedy    If you enjoy great fake news click on these links. You don’t want to miss out.  I know Facebook is in the process of taking measures to restrict bad fake news, but my fake news is the most honest fake news you can get.   I intend to get to the bottom of this and if I smell discrimination believe you me there will be hell to pay.  You deserve the best  fake news and as always I am committed to delivering it.

                                     

Purveyor of shitty fake news                      Count on me for accurate fake news

Trump Organization To Test Lucrative Pornography Market

from BUSINESS WEEK UPDATE

The Trump Organization recently announced it will add a pornography segment to the conglomerate’s burgeoning portfolio.  With all the salacious revelations that continue to swirl about President Trump regarding his involvement with a virtual cavalcade of actresses in the adult film industry, acting company executive Donald Trump Jr. was questioned about the timing of this decision.  “Frankly when any normal person analyzes the details here, it’s obvious this is a business opportunity that anyone would take advantage of,” he stated.  Pointing to the almost endless list of windfalls that have fallen into the lap of the company since the president’s inauguration, Donald Jr. seemed perplexed that there would be any implication of impropriety.  “Is this really any different than our company using our political position to rake in astronomical profits from our hotels and rental properties?” Donald Jr. confidently commented.

Donald Jr. went on to outline some specifics of the company’s strategy.  Regarding his father’s sordid reputation, he made it clear the news media was once again deliberately engaging in distorted journalism.  “As always the fake news out there is painting a picture of a glass half empty.  If anything this is a glass half full situation.  In fact, the glass is overflowing with a robust, foamy froth” was how Donald Jr. described the venture.  To make his point, he once again mentioned how successful the company was in the past by leveraging the prestige of his father’s political position with the Trump brand.  By aligning that operating principle with the connection the president has to a vast  assortment of members of the adult film industry,  it became glaringly obvious to Trump management that any Trump Organization entry into the pornography industry had enormous potential for profit and company growth.

Donald Jr. stated that it was the president’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, who came up with the idea of testing the pornography industry waters.  “It all started with my father’s uncontrollable urge to help those in need.” Donald Jr. stated.  “My dad would be at a gathering and he would immediately be able to spot someone who is suffering silently.  Something about those people always catches his attention,  like, something  really sticks out.  As is typical of his generous nature, he then had Mr. Cohen send them a $130,000 check.  As happens sometimes, the word  got out what a softie my father is and pretty soon Mr. Cohen found himself writing one $130,000 check after another.  When he discovered that these poor people were coincidentally all involved in the adult film business, that’s when Mr. Cohen insightfully recognized opportunity,  Basically he made it clear to our organization that it made a lot more sense to instill dignity in the lives of these people by having them come and work for our company instead of accepting $130,000 hand-outs.”

When asked to comment, Mr. Cohen humbly stated that it is the president that deserves most of the credit for the company’s bold move.  “President Trump is constantly eyeballing attractive opportunities and is not afraid to grab the goods.  These acquisitions are just another example of how he maximizes his bang for the buck.”  The comment triggered questions about capital disbursements, but Mr. Cohen stated he was not privy to that information.  However he did mention that it was nice that he now could finally quit asking for $130,000 extensions on his home equity loan.

                   

Here are just a few adult titles that will soon be labeled with the Trump brand

 

 

Chronological Newspaper Snippets of White House Tragedy

PRESIDENT TRUMP FOUND DEAD- FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED (Wednesday AM edition)

This morning the nation received the shocking news that the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, died sometime last night.  President Trump’s lifeless body was discovered by the White House butler, Farnsworth Stuffington, at 6:42 am.  Mr. Stuffington mentioned in his official statement  that he became alarmed when the president failed to open his bedroom door to receive his customary breakfast of sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy and diet Coke.   “He was just lying there stone cold on his back, with that half-eaten cheeseburger clutched in his hand,” Mr. Stuffington said.

 

WH butler Farnsworth Stuffington

The FBI and local DC police were immediately summoned.  Something of particular interest to law enforcement seems to be that half-eaten cheeseburger.  It was taken into custody and held for toxicology testing. ” I’m not accusing the cheeseburger of anything nefarious,” stated FBI agent Boyd Badgeman.  “But the president just passed his physical with flying colors.  Something’s just not right here.”

White House communications staff reported that lab test results should be available in a few days.   Funeral arrangements are pending until a full investigation and possible autopsy are performed.  President Trump’s wife Melania, who has refused to share living quarters with the president until he agrees to undergo a complicated medical fumigation procedure, has been living in an undisclosed location and could not immediately be reached for comment.

A cheeseburger similor to one at left might have been involved in sudden death of president

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POLICE SWITCHBOARDS SWAMPED WITH SELF-ACCUSATORIAL PHONE CALLS (Wednesday PM edition)

Within minutes of media reports of President Trump’s death, dozens of local McDonalds employees called various law enforcement offices to admit criminal involvement.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said DC Police Chief Thomas Tueguns.  “McDonalds managers, grill cooks, cash register clerks, one after another, from thirteen different McDonalds locations here, and two in Pennsylvania.  The FBI got a call from a McDonalds employee in Michigan.  They all say they slipped something into the president’s cheeseburger. Emergency switchboards were tied up with these crazy calls all day long,” Chief Tueguns added in exasperation.     ************************************************************************

MULTIPLE SUSPECTS INTERROGATED FOR PRESIDENTIAL THREATS (Thursday PM edition)

Less than 36 hours after President Trump passed away, law enforcement has interviewed  nearly all of those who criminally implicated themselves in his death.  So far 42 McDonalds employees have been detained and held for questioning for threats against the president.  The following are a few  excerpts of recorded remarks of some of these people who work in the DC area:

Dale Swift (grill cook- Washington Harbor location):  I hate the stupid son of a bitch.  I mean, you can take just so much.  I did it and I’m glad I did it!  Lock me up for life.  It’s worth it.

Kra’Vontre Williams (french fry monitor/cashier- Massachusetts Ave location):  You think I’m not smart enough to slip some poison in his burger?  Why you think you be waitin’  twenty minutes for your fries?  I don’t just, like, disappear you know.  I’m back helpin’, pullin’ shit from the freezer.  Hell I could poison anyone I wanted to.  Stupid cracker was gonna get us all nuked. Says he’s all safe and shit at McDonalds.  Guess I showed him.

Timothy Buttersweat (night manager- Wisconsin Ave SW location):  I’m night manager now, but it won’t be long before they promote me to daytime, once they find out about this.  It wasn’t me personally, but let me tell you I have a very dedicated team.  I don’t know which one of them did it, but I am extremely proud of whoever it was.  At least twice a week I would meet with everyone that was closing down with me and we would go over the plan.  See, like everywhere we have our share of vermin running around, so there’s rat poison all over the place.  You just quick-step to the back and grab one of those poison trays and sprinkle a good bit on his burger.  That pompous turd drove by here in his limo at least once a week. He couldn’t resist our cheeseburgers and thought he was safe here.  It was just a matter of time.

Michael “Spike” Sullenrascal (grill cook- East 104th St location):  What a stupid fucker!  He thought we couldn’t poison him?  HA!  Shows ya what a moron he was. I got so sick a’ that bastard flying’ off to his snooty golf courses.  Putter-in-chief, that’s what he was.  Gonna bring back all those jobs from China.  Hell, his businesses probably got jobs.  Instead a’ slinging’ burgers I guess I wouldn’t mind a job at one a’ his places. Only thing is, in order to get to work in the morning, you have ta take a long boat ride— to CHINA!  Fuckin’ scumbag.   You bet I poisoned him. I was ready for him.  Kept my little bottle of strychnine handy right in my pocket.  Here.  Bottle’s right here. I dumped all the poison on his burger so it’s empty now.  What more proof do you want?  I know Jerry is trying to take the credit, but you don’t see no strychnine on him do ya?  I did it, you know it, and I’m the one that deserve all the credit.

Jerry Weaseling (french-fry monitor- East 104th St location)- Oh boy did I do it!  Piece of cake too.  We all got a good laugh out of president Chito spoutin’ off how he’s all afraid of cheeseburgers unless they’re made right here. What a dip-shit!  Now I know you guys been talkin’ to Spike, but he’s full of crap.  All talk, believe me.  That aint strychnine he’s carrying around.  Hell it’s probably just powdered sugar.  Check it out if you don’t believe me.  I’m the one has the concentrated jimmy jones juice. No way I’d be walking around with that shit though.  I stashed it in a special place and just waited for ol’ Trumpty Dumpty to show up.  Man, you’d have to be crazy to take  the risk totin’ that nasty stuff in your pocket.  But Spike really aint crazy.  He’s shifty but he aint crazy.  You can’t believe him. I mean it. He’s all talk.  I’m the one.  I did it and It’s me that deserves the credit.

La’Dee’da Rubright (drive-through attendant- East 39 St location):  Everyone said I gotta do it.  Even my gran momma.  If Trump ever comes in your place girl, you just GOT-TO-DO-IT!  That’s what everyone kept sayin’ cause we all know he’s crazier than a sprayed cockroach.  Sure enough, he pulled right up in his big fancy limousine and ordered a couple cheeseburgers.  I had my special salt shaker all ready.  Keep it hidden behind a stack of paper bags.  Arsenic what’s in it.  Heck you can get it right on Amazon.  My boyfriend said it would never work.  He said the president would figure it out, or like he has some food taster hangin’ around or somethin’.  But I guess that shit worked out pretty damn slick didn’t it?  Planted his fat ass right in the ground.

Jose Ramirez-Gonzalez-Ramirez (grill cook- 14 St SW location):  Si, si.  I deed it.  He send the ICE out and they grab my mother.  Trump- he is bad hombre.   He muy loco if he think a burger I make for heem is safe to eat.  Mexican cooks, they say- una hamburguesa de Trump es uno hamburguesa de muerte.  We are, like, brothers, compenaros.  And we are many.

Adding to the bazaar circumstances that have developed is the fact that law enforcement is not even considering an investigation of any McDonalds business since the cheeseburger was prepared in the White House kitchen.  “The only plausible suspects would be White House staff,” Police Chief Tueguns stated. However, any threat to the President of the United States is subject to Secret Service investigation, so anyone involved in the mass admission will be interviewed and possibly prosecuted.

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VERDICT IS IN- CHEEZEBURGER NOT GUILTY! (Friday PM edition)

Toxicology tests have confirmed the cheeseburger implicated in President Trump’s death was a perfectly fine, upstanding cheeseburger as far as cheeseburgers go, and not tainted in any way.  Chief toxicologist Barry Noseworthy stated,  “Other than the fact that the cheeseburger in question was a typical saturated fat catastrophe and a bit overdone, there was nothing about it that was questionable.  As tragic and untimely as the president’s passing was, I am sure he found the portion of the cheeseburger that he managed to consume before he expired to be very satisfying.”

As the nation mourns,  esteemed televangelist Reverend Jerry Pharisaic summed up the president’s end of life most eloquently when he said, “Like all of us, this great man had his struggles with life.  He loved cheeseburgers, yet he feared them.  But through constant prayer the Lord gave him the strength to deal with this conflict and showed him the way.  Initially the president followed that path to McDonalds. But with God’s help and the president’s own valorous courage, he was able to finally face his demon. We should all take comfort in the fact that the cheeseburger meant him no harm, and that President Trump had to have really enjoyed that final cheeseburger.”

In a related matter, the district’s Chief Medical Examiner, Dr Seymour Graves,  has issued the official pathology report.  Listed as the president’s cause of death is a massive heart attack precipitated by a perilously high cholesterol diet and sedentary life style.

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The NRA, Gun Culture- and Throw the Bums Out

This blog is mostly history of the NRA and our gun culture in general. I have tackled the subject a dozen times, but for those inclined to move on to something else for that very reason, this time I mean to be less satirical and considerably more informative.  I am suddenly optimistic that we just might have reached a tipping point in the gun control debate.  There is a lot of information here, but the last five paragraphs are strictly my opinion and certainly not as technically supportive. If you just want to read more qualified material when you reach that point, skip to the link in the second to last paragraph.  All three links in this blog  are very enlightening but long,  so I have tried to provide content abridgment, for the first two anyway, in the interest of time. I think any of you who are up for confronting your state representatives will find much of the following material useful.  

God damn it this pisses me off!  Funeral arrangements were still being made for a few of the 17 people mowed down in the Parkland FL school shooting and the CEO of the NRA is centerstage at the CPAC convention fomenting his venomous brand of propaganda.  Wayne LaPierre is truly pond scum.  And the next day the President of the United States is addressing the same crowd, reenforcing  some of Mr. LaPierre’s talking points.  Just as annoying was how he once again pandered to the audience for the applause he so desperately seeks by rehashing past state electoral victories and telling blatant lies.  However, you would think someone in an advisory capacity would inform him that getting the crowd fired up with chants of “Lock her up” might not be the best idea.  This is the sort of thinking I can’t get my head around.  Sure the sophomoric response from the crowd gives Trump a boner.  But do these people, including Trump, not see the  irony in reacting this way when what Trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of is divulging classified information.  That is exactly what he is guilty of by employing a  White House full of people who have no security clearance.  And likely on the horizon are some serious charges being leveled against him and/or his family by Robert Mueller.  They are just asking for avenging chants of “Lock him up” in 2020, if the president is even still around.

This is where we are in America.  Politics is so polarized people can’t or do not want to reason logically, and the hostility has pervaded society in general.  It’s all just nuts.  Going on and on about all this just makes people sick.  But I have a blog and venting helps me retain my sanity.  To spare you, I will try to narrow the focus of this to just one aspect- our gun culture.  And I will let others with more knowledge of the subject give you detail.  In the interest of time, I will do my best to give a synopsis of the links, because no doubt you don’t have the time to read through all of this.  Come back later and read any of the material if you have places to go.

Particularly outrageous during the CPAC convention was the accusation thrown out by Wayne LaPierre’s accomplice Dana Loesch.  She implied that mainstream media somehow orchestrates mass shootings.  It’s the type of comment that underlines what the NRA does best-  promote conspiracy theories.

    LOESCH                                            LaPIERRE

Doesn’t mind shooting her mouth off                                 Doesn’t mind if you get shot

It was not always this way with the NRA.  Politicizing their agenda is a fairly recent development.  Here is a history of the organization NRA History.  A synopsis of the article is this: The NRA dates back to just after the Civil War.  So upset were two Union officers with the marksmanship they had witnessed  during that conflict they started the organization with the intent of improving the firing efficiency of anyone interested in doing so.  As the years went by the NRA became known for its promotion of safe and proper use of firearms, often supporting the governmental restrictions of their use.  That all changed in 1975 with the creation of the group’s first lobbying arm- the Institute for Legislative Action.

That branch of the NRA progressively took over, and by the mid 1980’s the organization transformed itself from one advocating gun safety, marksmanship and hunting into an uncompromising political institution intolerant of any form of restriction and proping up its position with the ambiguity of the second amendment.

This is an article about how the NRA has manipulated the very cryptic wording of the second amendment. How NRA Rewrote 2nd Amendment.  Synopsis: As late as the mid 1990’s Gallop polling  revealed the majority of the country still wanted stricter gun control laws.  in 1991, Chief Justice Warren Burger said the second amendment was the biggest fraud perpetrated on the American people by special interest groups that he had ever seen.  But as the NRA pounded away at our sensibilities with propaganda and conspiracy theories, and by taking advantage of legal decisions that steadily opened up the spigots of political donations, somehow public opinion started to change.  Whether you are happy with the status quo or fed up with the gun culture of this country, you have the NRA to thank or blame.

The landmark 2008 Supreme Court  “Heller” decision affirmed the right of non-military individuals to possess a firearm for traditional lawful purposes. It’s the NRA’s “go-to” judicial statement they always refer to.  It was one of those 5 to 4 decisions that makes you wonder if the founding fathers got Article Three of the constitution right.  As you might know, originalist Judge Scalia wrote the majority opinion, but what is rarely discussed is his clarification.  When asked if there are restrictions embedded in the Heller decision, he said “What the opinion in Heller said is it will have to be decided in future cases… some limitations (on the right to bear arms) are permissible.”  The right to bear arms he stated, will be decided by what society determines appropriate, and it does not mean individuals have the right to bear all types of arms.

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Is the Parkland Florida massacre going to finally be the catalyst to initiate limitations?  As a society have we at last had enough tragedy to change our gun culture?  Not if this congress has anything to say about it.  It’s time to start thinking now about making a statement at the ballot box and applying what Judge Scalia was referring to. Yes, enforce current laws and improve access to mental health.  If you think violence and permissiveness are too prevalent in society, watch your damn kids.  Outlawing bump stocks, raising age limits, mandating universal background checks and coordinating  law enforcement reporting are no-brainers.  That’s a good start.  But we need to do more.   It is sickeningly obvious we have too many guns in this country.  We need only to look at every other developed country in the world to see how pathetically we compare regarding gun violence and also to study what they have done to make things better. After reviewing all the mayhem as well as the information at our disposal, it is glaring apparent we can no longer fail to address our assault rifle problem. Ordinary citizens should not be allowed to purchase military assault firearms and large capacity magazines. That is a combination of weaponry that is intended to spray rifle fire and kill human beings.

I once had a semi-automatic hunting rifle.  I enjoyed target shooting with it more than I did hunting.  But when I did hunt I do not ever recall firing more than two rounds at any poor creature I was aiming at.  A hunter does not need a military weapon that is intended to spray bullets and kill other human beings.  If you require a magazine that holds more than six rounds I would argue you should not be in the field tracking an animal.  Any decent hunter will tell you one shot is optimum.  Any more and you ruin a good portion of the meat.  And if you enjoy target shooting like I once did, fine.  By all means it makes sense to hone your skill if you are a responsible gun owner.  But you don’t need an AR-15 for the stimulation.  Get yourself a true hunting or target rifle.  Better yet, a muzzle loader that requires more work than just pulling a trigger.  The exercise will do you some good. And there are way better choices for home defense than an assault rifle. As much as I hate to say it, a hand gun makes far more sense for that.  I am  hopeful future restriction and more severe penalties for illegal use of those things will trickle down from any momentum that initial, positive gun control measures create.

So no more assault rifle sales.  But what about all the assault rifles that are already out there?  My preferred option would be to round them all up and crush them for scrap metal.  But of course that is not feasible.   For those who own one now, logically you should be “grandfathered”.  But if you do own one, it needs to be re-registered in a national data base. Believe it or not there is no such thing in this country. This is the time and this is where to start.  And I believe there should be extremely hefty legal penalties for anyone carrying one around that does not comply with any restrictions that are or will be in place.  And by carrying around I mean transporting to a firing range. That is the only place it should ever be used or publicly viewed.  I can not comprehend how the NRA succeeded in forcing open carry laws down our throats.  Allowing anyone to walk down the street toting an AR-15, or any kind of long rifle, is absurd.  We do not live in a third world country.  As society has suddenly come to grips with predatory sexual violence, we should be just as appalled by this similar form of hyper-masculinity being foisted upon us by the NRA.   I do not know much about assault rifles but if there is a way to add a substantial tax to the ammunition I say do it.  I would personally donate generously to any kind of buy-back program.  There are assault rifle owners out there that are sawing them in half.  I would gladly lend you my reciprocating saw if you are so inclined.

The answer to solving gun violence is not more guns, like the NRA preaches.  If the ridiculous idea of having our teachers packing heat does not expose the sorry state of the pathetic, dysfunctional misanthropy that the NRA has instilled in this country I don’t know what will.  As a country and leader of the free world we should be far better than this.  The conversation has to include banning sales of military weaponry.  Read this for reference if you want some depth on assault rifles: Fuck You I Like Guns  The first civil right of all Americans is to be free of domestic violence.  Corporate America at least is taking a stand.  Thank you First National Bank of Omaha for getting the ball rolling.  And wow!  Thank you Dick’s Sporting Good’s for not stocking assault rifles any longer.

One final word and it is addressed to everyone, but especially those young students that are speaking out.  You are inevitably going to feel frustrated with congressional and presidential leadership that is heartlessly absent.  But your involvement can have a significant impact. The business community is already listening to you.  I was a college student in the 60’s and as a group we were a constant thorn in the side of political leaders, and it made a difference.  I caution you not to go to the extremes of that time.  But tweeting is not enough.  Support political candidates who share your concerns.  Help them and apply voting pressure in any way you can. If you are not old enough to vote, you can still volunteer and speak out. The youth vote in the past has tended to be dismal. Don’t let this moment of opportunity wither away.