PRESIDENT TRUMP FOUND DEAD- FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED (Wednesday AM edition)

This morning the nation received the shocking news that the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, died sometime last night.  President Trump’s lifeless body was discovered by the White House butler, Farnsworth Stuffington, at 6:42 am.  Mr. Stuffington mentioned in his official statement  that he became alarmed when the president failed to open his bedroom door to receive his customary breakfast of sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy and diet Coke.   “He was just lying there stone cold on his back, with that half-eaten cheeseburger clutched in his hand,” Mr. Stuffington said.

 

WH butler Farnsworth Stuffington

The FBI and local DC police were immediately summoned.  Something of particular interest to law enforcement seems to be that half-eaten cheeseburger.  It was taken into custody and held for toxicology testing. ” I’m not accusing the cheeseburger of anything nefarious,” stated FBI agent Boyd Badgeman.  “But the president just passed his physical with flying colors.  Something’s just not right here.”

White House communications staff reported that lab test results should be available in a few days.   Funeral arrangements are pending until a full investigation and possible autopsy are performed.  President Trump’s wife Melania, who has refused to share living quarters with the president until he agrees to undergo a complicated medical fumigation procedure, has been living in an undisclosed location and could not immediately be reached for comment.

A cheeseburger similor to one at left might have been involved in sudden death of president

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POLICE SWITCHBOARDS SWAMPED WITH SELF-ACCUSATORIAL PHONE CALLS (Wednesday PM edition)

Within minutes of media reports of President Trump’s death, dozens of local McDonalds employees called various law enforcement offices to admit criminal involvement.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said DC Police Chief Thomas Tueguns.  “McDonalds managers, grill cooks, cash register clerks, one after another, from thirteen different McDonalds locations here, and two in Pennsylvania.  The FBI got a call from a McDonalds employee in Michigan.  They all say they slipped something into the president’s cheeseburger. Emergency switchboards were tied up with these crazy calls all day long,” Chief Tueguns added in exasperation.     ************************************************************************

MULTIPLE SUSPECTS INTERROGATED FOR PRESIDENTIAL THREATS (Thursday PM edition)

Less than 36 hours after President Trump passed away, law enforcement has interviewed  nearly all of those who criminally implicated themselves in his death.  So far 42 McDonalds employees have been detained and held for questioning for threats against the president.  The following are a few  excerpts of recorded remarks of some of these people who work in the DC area:

Dale Swift (grill cook- Washington Harbor location):  I hate the stupid son of a bitch.  I mean, you can take just so much.  I did it and I’m glad I did it!  Lock me up for life.  It’s worth it.

Kra’Vontre Williams (french fry monitor/cashier- Massachusetts Ave location):  You think I’m not smart enough to slip some poison in his burger?  Why you think you be waitin’  twenty minutes for your fries?  I don’t just, like, disappear you know.  I’m back helpin’, pullin’ shit from the freezer.  Hell I could poison anyone I wanted to.  Stupid cracker was gonna get us all nuked. Says he’s all safe and shit at McDonalds.  Guess I showed him.

Timothy Buttersweat (night manager- Wisconsin Ave SW location):  I’m night manager now, but it won’t be long before they promote me to daytime, once they find out about this.  It wasn’t me personally, but let me tell you I have a very dedicated team.  I don’t know which one of them did it, but I am extremely proud of whoever it was.  At least twice a week I would meet with everyone that was closing down with me and we would go over the plan.  See, like everywhere we have our share of vermin running around, so there’s rat poison all over the place.  You just quick-step to the back and grab one of those poison trays and sprinkle a good bit on his burger.  That pompous turd drove by here in his limo at least once a week. He couldn’t resist our cheeseburgers and thought he was safe here.  It was just a matter of time.

Michael “Spike” Sullenrascal (grill cook- East 104th St location):  What a stupid fucker!  He thought we couldn’t poison him?  HA!  Shows ya what a moron he was. I got so sick a’ that bastard flying’ off to his snooty golf courses.  Putter-in-chief, that’s what he was.  Gonna bring back all those jobs from China.  Hell, his businesses probably got jobs.  Instead a’ slinging’ burgers I guess I wouldn’t mind a job at one a’ his places. Only thing is, in order to get to work in the morning, you have ta take a long boat ride— to CHINA!  Fuckin’ scumbag.   You bet I poisoned him. I was ready for him.  Kept my little bottle of strychnine handy right in my pocket.  Here.  Bottle’s right here. I dumped all the poison on his burger so it’s empty now.  What more proof do you want?  I know Jerry is trying to take the credit, but you don’t see no strychnine on him do ya?  I did it, you know it, and I’m the one that deserve all the credit.

Jerry Weaseling (french-fry monitor- East 104th St location)- Oh boy did I do it!  Piece of cake too.  We all got a good laugh out of president Chito spoutin’ off how he’s all afraid of cheeseburgers unless they’re made right here. What a dip-shit!  Now I know you guys been talkin’ to Spike, but he’s full of crap.  All talk, believe me.  That aint strychnine he’s carrying around.  Hell it’s probably just powdered sugar.  Check it out if you don’t believe me.  I’m the one has the concentrated jimmy jones juice. No way I’d be walking around with that shit though.  I stashed it in a special place and just waited for ol’ Trumpty Dumpty to show up.  Man, you’d have to be crazy to take  the risk totin’ that nasty stuff in your pocket.  But Spike really aint crazy.  He’s shifty but he aint crazy.  You can’t believe him. I mean it. He’s all talk.  I’m the one.  I did it and It’s me that deserves the credit.

La’Dee’da Rubright (drive-through attendant- East 39 St location):  Everyone said I gotta do it.  Even my gran momma.  If Trump ever comes in your place girl, you just GOT-TO-DO-IT!  That’s what everyone kept sayin’ cause we all know he’s crazier than a sprayed cockroach.  Sure enough, he pulled right up in his big fancy limousine and ordered a couple cheeseburgers.  I had my special salt shaker all ready.  Keep it hidden behind a stack of paper bags.  Arsenic what’s in it.  Heck you can get it right on Amazon.  My boyfriend said it would never work.  He said the president would figure it out, or like he has some food taster hangin’ around or somethin’.  But I guess that shit worked out pretty damn slick didn’t it?  Planted his fat ass right in the ground.

Jose Ramirez-Gonzalez-Ramirez (grill cook- 14 St SW location):  Si, si.  I deed it.  He send the ICE out and they grab my mother.  Trump- he is bad hombre.   He muy loco if he think a burger I make for heem is safe to eat.  Mexican cooks, they say- una hamburguesa de Trump es uno hamburguesa de muerte.  We are, like, brothers, compenaros.  And we are many.

Adding to the bazaar circumstances that have developed is the fact that law enforcement is not even considering an investigation of any McDonalds business since the cheeseburger was prepared in the White House kitchen.  “The only plausible suspects would be White House staff,” Police Chief Tueguns stated. However, any threat to the President of the United States is subject to Secret Service investigation, so anyone involved in the mass admission will be interviewed and possibly prosecuted.

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VERDICT IS IN- CHEEZEBURGER NOT GUILTY! (Friday PM edition)

Toxicology tests have confirmed the cheeseburger implicated in President Trump’s death was a perfectly fine, upstanding cheeseburger as far as cheeseburgers go, and not tainted in any way.  Chief toxicologist Barry Noseworthy stated,  “Other than the fact that the cheeseburger in question was a typical saturated fat catastrophe and a bit overdone, there was nothing about it that was questionable.  As tragic and untimely as the president’s passing was, I am sure he found the portion of the cheeseburger that he managed to consume before he expired to be very satisfying.”

As the nation mourns,  esteemed televangelist Reverend Jerry Pharisaic summed up the president’s end of life most eloquently when he said, “Like all of us, this great man had his struggles with life.  He loved cheeseburgers, yet he feared them.  But through constant prayer the Lord gave him the strength to deal with this conflict and showed him the way.  Initially the president followed that path to McDonalds. But with God’s help and the president’s own valorous courage, he was able to finally face his demon. We should all take comfort in the fact that the cheeseburger meant him no harm, and that President Trump had to have really enjoyed that final cheeseburger.”

In a related matter, the district’s Chief Medical Examiner, Dr Seymour Graves,  has issued the official pathology report.  Listed as the president’s cause of death is a massive heart attack precipitated by a perilously high cholesterol diet and sedentary life style.

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