Citing recent polling numbers and referencing their stunning ability to coalesce into a unified body of pusillanimous sycophants, congressional Republicans have decided to abandon past democratic concepts like patriotism, honor, freedom and justice and move forward with what they consider to be the more progressively simple and pragmatic ideology of corruption. When Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was asked if he was concerned about labeling his entire political party with such a customarily defamatory term, he responded by pointing out corruption is just what Republican polling numbers seem to indicate the country wants. “Our president, if nothing else, is consistently corrupt. You have to admire that, and we have taken notice how well he is received publicly. We have decided it just makes sense to accept the will of the people and tell it like it is. Our party appreciates all President Trump has done for the country, and if he dabbles here and there in corruption, well that’s certainly ok with us if it gets the job done.”
Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) took exception to Senator Graham’s statement. “I’m not sure “dabbling” in corruption is how I would describe it. I mean the country hasn’t seen this kind of corruption since Harding and the Teapot Dome scandal. Just look at all the cabinet members that have had to resign for improper conduct. You’ve got, Flynn, Price , Pruitt, Zenke, Shulkin, Acosta, I mean what more do you want. Let’s face it. The president, when it comes to corruption, really knows how to pick the best.”
But Congressman Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) was not sure that was fair to the president. “Sure all those people resigned, but that doesn’t take into account all the graft going on in the cabinet right now. There’s Wilber Ross who’s involved hand over fist with insider trading, and Mnuchin and Betsy DeVos are smothered in conflict of interest violations. And how about Ben Carson? Not only did he stiff the government for fancy office furniture, he managed to stuff his family’s pockets with department access. And I have to put in a good word for Mitch McConnell. Taking advantage of his wife’s cabinet position to bring federal bacon to his home state was a stroke of financial and political genius that just takes your breath away. So, I think it’s important to see the whole picture. Just sayin'”.
When Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL) was asked if he had any qualms about the new direction of his party, he had this to say. ” Look, the people of this country aren’t stupid. They know corruption when they see it. It’s obvious that’s what they want, and by god the Republican party is perfectly positioned to give it to them. But you should remember. Corruption is not so much what you do for others. It’s what you do for yourself. I mean you should be able to take a dip in the swamp too, right? Look at what the president did just last month. He doubled the rates at his Doral resort ahead of his visit to address the RNC. He’s always doing stuff like that- billeting military personnel at his resort, bilking the government with inflated charges for secret service protection at his hotels, using his office to get free publicity for his properties. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone more capable of spotting avaricious opportunity. It’s amazing. Not only are his hotel room rates overpriced, but it’s where all those foreigners like to stay just to make him happy, so he’s got to be overjoyed making all that dough and screwing foreigners at the same time. The guy truly is a “stable genius” when it comes to corruption. America can count on this president, and trust me when I say Republicans in Congress are listening to your concerns about corruption. With the experience and help of our great president, you can rest assured we are doing everything possible to make sure we learn how to do it right.”
Senator John Barrasso (R-WY) said he has always been impressed with the resourfulness of Trump family members. “I think it’s important people realize just how well the president takes care of his family. How grateful they must be to have a father with such extensive experience with corruption. Jared and Ivanka wasted little time taking advantage of the Oportunity Zone program and you sure don’t notice any tarriffs on anything Ivanka makes. There are so many examples of nepotistic favoritism it’s really easy to forget all that this family has accomplished. Right out of the gate there was the nepotism thing that saved his son in law from bankruptcy. Qatar buys Jared’s billion dollar Manhattan money-pit and the president tells the Arab states involved in a Qatar blockade to back off. You gotta believe the president’s favorite movie is “The Godfather'” right? Speaking of that, did the job search for a compliant AG pay off or what? With Barr in the bag, you’ve got a commander- in-chief with the infallibility power of the pope.”
Senator Joni Ernst (R-IA) stressed the importance of party unity and she said she was looking forward to the next nine months. “Now that we are all on the same page with this corruption incentive, I think it’s safe to say we are poised to significantly change the course of the country. Sure we have work to do. There are still people out there that don’t believe it’s ok to direct a lawyer to pay $280,000 in hush money to cover up extramarital affairs, or influence the investigation of a presidential campaign, or invite foreign government interference in our elections, or ridicule a physically disabled person, to harass the chairman of the Federal Reserve or denigrate a war hero and Gold Star family, divert money from a charity fouindaion for personal use, and undermine basic democratic institutions like our jury systemn and inteligence departments. I know some people just can’t let go of the idea the president is always lying, like when he reneged on campaign promises to release his tax returns and get Mexico to pay for a border wall, but that’s what regular people love about the guy. Everyone knows lying and ignoring the truth are how he gets things done. It can be crucial when you want to do something like make the planet we live on less livable. In time, all those people who consider his racist, mysogynitic, homophobic and religiously hypocritical comments and policies abhorrent will realize it’s just his way of getting the country on the right track. President Trump is the perfect man for our times.”
Senator Rick Scott (R-FL) said he has always been impressed by the president’s ability to distract attention from one egregious action with another. “He keeps America ahead of the curve with all the flummoxing. It took people a little bit of time to accept all the corruption, but after awhile it just became normal. That is no small feat. I mean even the members of congress were a little sceptical at first. We didn’t think anything like the corruption dreamworld the president has pulled off was remotley possible. Of course we are certainly grateful. But think of all the possibilities now with an attorney general ready to sign off on any whim the president conjures up. Who doesn’t want to get in on that! You sure don’t want to tick him off now. The country wants a leader who can create real change. Our archaic laws and institutions are outdated. Some of them are over 200 years old for Pete’s sake, and they just aren’t working out for our president. How can you expect him to make America great again if he can’t do anything he wants! The Republican party has the right idea embracing corruption and can see the advantages of encouraging the president to keep moving forward with his unique vision of democracy. It’s improtant to make sure our leader is equipped with the necessary tools to complete his utopia. The people now understand that when you are president of the United States, you just can’t have people criticizing what you do. We won’t get anywhere doing that. He knows what’s fair and who to lock up. The way the president pulled off the acquittal over the Ukraine scandal was impressive you have to admit. Lot’s of big time players involved in that loop, right? You got a VP, a secretary of state, an attorney general, a secretary of energy. It just doesn’t get any better than that. Move over Harding! You might not get all of us to agree the president made a perfect phone call but I know we all agree it’s pretty close to perfect when you all stick together in the name of corruption.”