Category Archives: Politics

Polymarket Installs 525 as the Over/Under Number of Times Trump Will Claim Peace with Iran is Imminent

After carefull consideration of public interest and probability data, the prediction market platform Polymarket has registered an over/under bet reflecting the number of times President Trump will say a peace deal is close to being finalized before an actual deal is struck.  Taking into account the 38 times Trump has already made the statement, Polymarket has established the nember at  525.

Marvin Twillwater, a polymarket consultant, said at first he thought that number was a bit high, but after analyzing  his own data he was satisfied Polymarket knew it’s stuff.  “This is after all the TACO president, and all things considered the figure seems about right.  Iran has his balls in a vice. Knowing the American public has little tolerance for committing ground troops,  he’ll just keep working his smoke and mirrors act and as long as he can keep stringing along a gullible stock market he’ll keep it up.  Saving face is way more important to him than worrying about screwing over three hundred million American citizens by continuing the conflict..  His shit-show war will probably be a defining moment of his legacy, and he has on his hands a hopeless struggle to try and polish the turd, so to speak.”

Twillwater said that in the end we will all get screwed, and that Trump’s only real strategy has been to dazzle with fancy footwork.  “While you’re  watching him shuffle and dodge another 500 times, why not take a shot at some Polymarket cash. The anticipation of the eventual outcome might make the frustrating drudgery of  Trump’s indecision at least tolerable.”

 

 

 

The Donald J. Trump Center for the Martial Arts

It has emerged that Senator Lindsey Graham has introduced a bill initiating funding for a new building that will be dedicated to one of President Trump’s passions- observing sweaty,  scantilly clothed men inflict serious physical injury in ways normally unimaginable.   Alluding to the UFC arena currently being erected on the south lawn of the White House as part of the nation’s upcoming  250th anniversary celebration, Graham suggested tax dollars could be saved by incorporating it into an expansive building that could be built at the conclusion of the anniversary festivities.

Graham mentioned how unfair the president  felt it was for a federal judge to insist the Trump name be removed from the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts.  “The president is justifiably upset,” Graham said.  “If there is one thing he knows it’s art. That judge is incompetent and obviously some kind of Marxist.  You get every cabinet member in an enclosed room with the president  and I can guarantee you absolutely every one of them will tell him that  his taste in art is impecable, that no one knows art like he does, no matter what kind of art we’re talking about.   So creating his own center for the martial arts would be another notch on the grip of  his revenge pistol.  It’s simply the right thing to do.”

White House aide Dusty Smertz said the president was super charged about the idea, and that he was already carrying around gigantic posterboard renderings of the project.  When asked if construction would be completed before Trump’s term ended, Smertz said that was not a concern.  “The president feels this art form is underappreciated.  The Donald J. Trump Center for the Martial Arts will be a building for everyone to enjoy.  You’ve seen how the president admires the human male form.  Just a couple  weeks ago during his commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy,  he invited the fitness champion of the the graduates to come up on the stage so he could feel his muscles.  The president loves handsome men, especially the brawny ones and as we know when he spots one he can’t resist tossing him a compliment.  The Donald J. Trump Center for the Martial Arts will be a place for all Americans to admire the exhibitions of  the sculpted male form perform  on a variety of competitive artistic stages.”

Since the president is known for promoting the World Wrestling Federation and the Ultimate Fighting Championship,  Smertz was asked if practitioners of more traditional defensive martial arts disciplines like karate and tai chi would be included in the Trump Center.  He replied that as long as they took their shirts off they would be more than welcome.

SCAM ALERT!

If you’re like me you get texts and emails warning you to be ever vigilant about scams.  Your bank, your cell phone service provider, your credit card company, internet provider, you name it.  Your wife, who  clicked on a phishy party invite that  sent out bogus party invites to all of her email contacts inviting them to a party at our house, is acutely aware.  The party is on the 16th.  If you show up I have some stale potato chips and a box of crackers but don’t expect any booze.  You’ll have to leave by 9:30pm.  I have a ridgid bedtime routine.

Now, here is my personal scam warning.  Anytime you find yourself staring at an advertisement, or a narrative with promotional details of any kind with the name “Trump” attached to it, you should avoid it like it was a habitat of hantavirus infected rats.  Case in point- the cell phones the Trump boys were promoting last summer.*  In June Don Jr. and Eric launched the Trump smartphone, “proudly designed and built in the U.S.,” gold plated, of course. and was priced at $500. To ensure delivery, the web site advised you to send the boys $100 as a pre-order deposit.

A cursory examination of the fine print revealed a disclaimer that stated the Trump’s involvement with the phone is strickly its branding only and they had nothing to do with the development, manufacture or anything related to it.  Within a couple weeks of the initial offer, the claim “Made in America” was removed from its description and replaced with “designed with American values in mind.”

The phones have never been shipped.  Last month Trump Moble updated its terms to say the $100 was not a deposit for the pre-order but “a conditional opportunity if Trump Mobile later elects, in its sole discretion, to offer the Device for sale.”

There’s more to the restrictions and warnings included in the update, not to mention the massive conflict of interest involved between the Trump’s and the federal agencies that control the approval for the business’s activities.

Of course there are plenty of pissed off people that paid $100 for a phantom phone.  But come on!  Scamming is what the Trump family is famous for-from the bogus Trump University to skimmiing practically everything from his so called charity, the Trump Foundation.  By now people should know better.  People who voted for him have to know at least something of his nafarious businesss activities, and the father has instructed the boys well in seeking mutual self indulgent fortune. My guess is Trump’s supporters must feel a great scam artist makes a great president.

Now after much chest thumping bluster and ignorance of the geopolitical world, he has plunged the nation into an ill conceived conflict with Iran.  He keeps saying we are winning when in fact that is another of his scams.  He has let a third rate country wedge him into a corner that he is flailing to get out of.  And the U.S. taxpayers have thus been scammed into paying for his war.  It’s infuriating.  And embarassing.  Because of Trump’s hubris nothing is moving through the Strait of Hormuz. That in turn affects most of the other countries on the planet in one way or another, so they are also paying a price,  and they had nothing to do with his elecition.  We did that.  Ya.  It’s fucking embarassing.

When asked by a reporter to what extent Americans’ financial situation is motivating him to make a deal with Iran, he replied:

Not even a little bit. The only thing that matters when I’m talking about Iran—they can’t have a nuclear weapon. I don’t think about Americans’ financial situation. I don’t think about anybody. I think about one thing—we cannot let Iran have a nuclear weapon. That’s all.”

The highlighted sentences are of course revealing.  But his general intransigence and hubris, right now narrowly focused on Iran’s nuclear capability, is how we got in this mess in the first place.  He basically is saying Iran has to give up its nuclear material.  At this point that will almost assuredly require boots on the ground.  It’s one of the many things he should have thought of before starting his “excursion.”

Getting back to the highlighted text,  nothing says “I could not give a shit about the Americans’ financial situation” like suing himself for 10 billion dollars.  He is suing the IRS for damages he claims occured when a contractor released his tax returns in his first term.  Thus Trump is the plaintiff and he also runs the agency that is the defendant.  He has figured out the perfect scam.  He can hardly loose.  That’s taxpayer money he’s after in the IRS and 10 billion would  wipe out 80 percent of its budget. And double his current wealth.  Nevermind that during his 2016 campaign he said he had no problem releasing his tax returns as soon as the IRS completed its audit.  Once he secured the presidency he asserted since he won the election no one must have really wanted to see the documents anyway.  How does this guy maintain his grip on his base?  He encapsulates everything MAGA supposedly abhors about the government.  He’s a rich elitist lining his pockets and those of his cronies and doing diddly for the general public.  He has single handedly made the lives of the non privileged more expensive by immersing us into his ridiculous war, something he promised his supporters he would never do.  He is and has always been a con man dazzling with smoke and mirrors.

Trump the scam artist.  No one does it better.

*Most of the information about the Trump boys smartphone adventure I gleaned from the Substack of Heather Cox Richardson.  She’s amazing.

Prepare for the Plague of Locusts

In the scheme of things this one was easy to figure.  Trump is getting more and more desperate to come up with ways to keep the nation distracted from the Epstein files.  We know he loves to blow shit up. And as we found out during his State of the Union speech he has a macabre fascination with gruesome death.  So much the better if he can evoke sobbing anguish  from the mother of a murdered child with his prolonged, insensitve, blood curdling description of her demise.  So it’s no surprise starting a war is a logical step up in public diversion.  Lots of explosions and carnage and Trump is certainly hopeful America will find all the televison viewing just as entertaining as he does.

Originally I thought his build up of U.S. military might in the Middle East was just another Trump bluster, his over reaction to the media reporting about an Iranian mother pleading with him to save her son from execution after he was arrested for demonstrating against the government.  Trump to the rescue.  “Help is on the way,” Trump posted on Truth Social.  After a couple weeks of military staging that presumably  gave the administration time to develope some kind of justification for an invasion, it turns out his messianic complex is overpowering.  It’s bombs away!

In the aftermath of the destruction we can’t get a consistent reason for it out of the administration. Among many, there’s fear of Iranian nuclear bomb development (I thought that was obliterated months ago), fear of long range missle development (nothing is out there to back up that claim) and regime change.  Regime change is the one thing that makes sense.  After all, not long after the bombs started dropping,  Trump was out there instructing the Iranian people to rise up.  “The hour of your freedom is at hand,” he declared. “This will probably be your only chance for generations.”

That last sentence indicates he must have given some thought to the ramifications of his demolition.  Sadly, it seems that was the point at which the ruminating stopped.  Aerial bombing is great theater, but it has a terrible record fomenting regime change, anywhere.  Trump is asking the Irainian peoiple to rise up.  The people there who are incentivized to do that have a big problem however, and that is, the people there who are most opposed to regime change have all the weapons.  Then there is Trump’s paradoxical advice to the Irainians to hold off on anything confrontational and take cover until after he’s through bombing the shit out of their country.   “Strike while the iron is cold” is a phrase you don’t hear much.  It seems unlikely Trump will get a regime change to his liking without sending in  U.S. ground troops.

On top of that, I saw a photograph today that brings to mind the main reason why all the wars we have been involved in since World War Two have failed to produce desired political results.  It’s a picture of a massive number of Irainians protesting the killing of their Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.  Yes he was a bad man, but for unfathomable reasons there are many instances of good people of a nation becoming attracted to a bad man.  The gathering in that photo was far larger than those in the photos I had previously seen of people celebrating his death, and even those earlier February photos of Iranians demonstrating against the regime.   It’s hard to believe we have not learned anything from all of our futile overseas conflicts.  Hubris and hegemony consistently fail to win over populations and cultures we neglect to understand.

We are at war on the whim of a panic stricken narcissist who is lashing out because he feels the threatening walls of scandal closing in on him.  It is glaringly obvious he is guilty of something heinous he commited in the past.  He has been callously proud of his examples of sexual exploitation.  “Grab ’em by the pussy” was his mantra during his days romping with Epstein.  To take the extreme measures Trump has taken in order to cover up whatever that is is a condemning indictment.  The salaciousness  has to be far worse than the conspicuous inference of guilt created by his obstruction.  Those complicit with him in that endeavor should pay the consequences.  Nixon’s AG John Mitchell served jail time for conspiracy and obstruction of justice.  What Pam Bondi, Kash Patel and Todd Blanche are doing is far worse.

What’s in store for us if U.S. ground troops get involved in Trump’s sensless regional conflagration and his poll numbers continue to spiral downward?  The Epstein files are still front and center, so what is the next horrible thing he thinks of that might work as a distraction?   What’s worse than war?  Two wars?  He’s been contemplating an invasion of Cuba, but a second war seems redundantly unfulfilling if one isn’t productive. Perhaps something domestically devastating?  Make all of us pay for his misery.  I can see a totally unhinged Trump.  The entrenched MAGA world is still clutching to their king, but instigating a foreign war on top of his handling of the Epstein files?  Will they keep jamming square pegs through the round holes of the MAGA political platform?  Surely there will be some withering on the vine.  Then red as well as blue states are fair game.  And what if Trump gets plastered with some real crazy pedophile shit.  Oh Boy.  We’re really in for it then.  Maybe he starts to work on enlisting memebership in a 2028 military coup?  Will he decide to finish the job and completely level the Capitol Building?  Rivers of blood and plagues of locusts?  Don’t count anything out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wandering Through Trump’s Wonderland

I think I’m starting to lose it.  It’s Trump.  My psyche is constantly  battered by his narcisistic cruelty and lawlessness.  I think I am experiencing some version of Alice in Wonderland syndrome.  How can one man be fucking the country over so badly and get by with it?   More dumbfoundedly, not only is no one doing anything about it, but by exploiting practically every legal loophole and skirting observed social norms, he has enriched himslf and family beyond the dreams of avarice.  I don’t understand.  How is this happening?

Start with the insurrection of January 6th 2021.  It is so well known that we just refer to the entire  day of carnage as Jan 6.  It is so well known because almost everyone in the country witnessed what happened with their own eyes.  And yet Trump, forever aware of his involvement and wish to do everything he can to make people forget about what really happened, produced a dedicated false narrative page on the White House website this past Jan 6 that is an insulting indignity to our logically inclined population, to reality, and especially to the police officers who defended the Capitol Building that day.  How can something like this be allowed?  It’s reality so distorted it distorts your own sense of reality.  Leave me alone Alice.

Then there’s the thing with Venezuela.  I dont know if you’ve noticed, but Trump has an almost romantic relationship with power.  And explosions. We caught and kidnapped a very terrible person.  Congrats to to our military.   A job well done indeed.  And that is part of the problem with Trump.  He just can’t get enough of displaying this country’s military might.  His birthday military parade was sort of a fizzle, but buster bombing Iran was a libido triggering orgasm.  What is particularly alarming, is he uses service men to amuse himself.  His quote on Fox News right after Maduro’s capture: “I watched it, literally, like I was watching a television show.  And if you would have seen the speed, the violence.”  The man is pathologically fascinated by explosions.  Anytime Hegseth blows up some shit he is immediately on speed dial with the president so he can watch. Trump’s version of Viagra. Television is the Mad Hatter’s bedroom.

A day after the Maduro kidnapping while he is flying around on Air Force One, Trump is conducting a press gaggle that is video taped, and boldly admits to a reporter that America’s oil company execs knew all about the Venezuelan incursion both before and after it took place.  This is quite the reveal, since he never bothered to consult with congress about the matter.  It’s another of those contempts of constitutional order that he seems proud to flaunt. and once again reminds the nation Trump’s authoritarian oligarcy will place the interests of of his billionaire cronies before those of the representatives of the general public.  Just as galling, it showed he  is more than willing to use  our service members to move forward the interests of his doners.  It’s another Trump maneuver that induces a brain contortion .  It’s bad, but not quite Wonderland bad.  That happens when Lindsey Graham’s head appears during the video.  His face is level with Trump’s armpit, and he is inordinately giddy.  Is it Trump’s deodorant?  It’s hard to say.  Nonetheless he is  dripping with subservient admiration and smiling like, that’s right, a Cheshire cat.  Then there are two Chesire cats, because Howard Ludnick all of a sudden appears in the footage, grinning from ear to ear.  There they are, the two of them snickering and giggling like a couple of teenagers hiding behind a thick hedge watching a man come out of his house and stomp away at a paper bag full of cat shit they ignited on the guys front porch.

I can’t get that imagage out of my head.  There’s Ludnik, a swell guy currently  promoting deregulation of the cryptocurrency market.  But Linsey Graham is the ultimate Cheshire.  Immediately after Jan 6 he stood on the Senate floor and denounced Trump for what he had caused.  Like the Cheshire Cat, he called out the madness of the Mad Hatter.   But just a few days later he became a profound character in my private upside down world by unexpicitly reversing course and ultimately becoming an avid supporter and protector of the mad man.

And now performing inside my Wonderland are images of a murder of a woman in Minneapolis by an ICE agent.  What makes this so perfectly Wonderland  is the woman was white.  The Mad Hatter’s plan to make America white again is now maddeningly inside out.  Whiteness protects you no longer.  Entering on stage is my Wonderland March Hare, Kristi Noem, replacing her sheik shortstop look with urban cowboy.   The hat is way too big, I think.  Instead of a cowboy vibe I am getting that of a football player wearing a helmet with one of those thick Guardian Caps attached to reduce concussion risk.  Like the Hare in the Wonderland story, she is as mad as the Hatter, or at the very least a psychopathic ass kisser, and she’s doing her best to prop up Trump’s policy of public safety for white people.  Without any pertinent background she tries to paint the dead woman as a terrorist and her trigger happy employee as a hero.  This is what happens in Wonderland.  Black is white.  Once again we can see with our own eyes what really happened.  There is cell phone video of the entire incident, from several angles, that proves the things Noem is saying are lies.  And the Mad Hatter himself gets involved, repeating Noem’s alternate version of reality in a social media post, and tops it with a blatant lie about the ICE agent ending up in the hospital.  That did not happen.  But in Wonderland it did.  And the Mad Hatter demands you believe him.  And unfortunately the inhabitants of the MAGA universe will.  That is the one defining, terrifying fact that constantly haunts my Wonderland.

Wonderland is not a wonderful place.  It is a domain where facts do not matter, where  corruption is not only constant, but astonishingly acceptable.  It is the relm of the greedy, a governmental administration conducted by oligarchic kleptocrats who keep screwing the people they are supposed to be serving while enriching themselves.  It is the land of liars, none more accomplished than  the Mad Hatter Trump, promising to reveal his taxes, lower food prices, lower inflation, reduce energy and housing costs.  None of that has been fulfilled.  He promised to end the Ukraine war that still rages on, and it’s hard to give him credit for solving the Gaza problem when conflict is still ongoing, as it is in at least three of the other wars he supposedly solved.  And with the Venezuala mess we might be getting right back into another engagement that by now we should understand without proper forethought will become another one that might be excruciatingly prolonged.  Another campaign promise cast aside.  Yes, give him credit for controlling imigrant border crossings, but his current ruthless immigration deportation policy is not publically supported, and now with a federal agent murdering a woman in Minneapolis we will be lucky if we don’t have another George Floyd revolt on the horizon.

My personal Wonderland is also a world of Trump’s imagination.  He insists  Argentina is in possesion of  America’s oil.  That must assume there is some kind of reverse migration going on, like Argentina has engineered a fantasitic pipeline that snakes underground, crosses into the United States and sucks up our oil.  Remarkable.  Trump is the perfect Mad Hatter, in and out of Wonderland.  His nonsensical conversations and disjointed social media posts are classic Mad Hatter and his eccentric attraction to, and implementation of everything gold and garish  is  luminously Mad Hatter. How far will Trump take us into Wonderland?  It would seem his Donroe version of the Monroe Doctrine has the country charted for very undemocratic waters. Having evicerated domestic norms and laws, now he is focused on abusing common international law.  If his recent doctrinal  belief that might makes right does not produces more mind bending pseudo-phychedelic chaos, we are at least headed for some that is very Orwellian.  According to Trump, major world powers should stick to their own lane, then everything is fine.  What he is suggesting is the three countries considered to be the worlds most powerful,  inflict whatever hegemony they want as long as they stay reasonably within their own sphere of influence.  Instead of  1984’s Oceana, Eurasia and Eastasia, we will have the U.S., Russia, and China incorporating one sovereign territory after another, and like the novel, maybe continuous war with one or the other over any disputed boundary .  Look out Cuba and Colombia.

The Mad Hatter’s fixation of a Greenland take over is insane.  A cold war aggreement allows the U.S. to establish any number of military bases it desires.  But as always in dealing with the ruler of our Wonderland, we should always expect the unexpected.  It is one of Trumps tricks of survival.  Distract and deflect.  And of coures deny. Epstein files and Jan 6- lie or invade another county to change the public’s focus.  A mysterious explosion leveling the building where the Epstein files are stored would not surprise.

Stock up the liquor cabinet, because forthcoming from Trump will be more of the same Mad Hatterness. In a recent Times interview he confoundingly stated he doesn’t need international law and the only limit to his power is his own morality. WTF! This coming from the man tortuously obsessed with making sure the Epstein files never see the light of day. In upcoming months be prepared for  many more hallucinogenic whiffs from the Mad Hatter’s bong.  Expect more discarding norms and flaunting the law, gutting financial and environmental regulations, insulting the famlies of dead people, promoting stuff you never dreamed could be grifted, more garish gold and haphazard White House demolition, pay to play schemes that skirt all known legal authority as well as pay for pardons.  With enough cash any Charles Manson type out there has a shot at freedom.  And you can definitely count on more shady shenanigans with cryptocurrency.  Already in the works is a proposal to mainstream  the Trump family crypto business with a banking license.  The Mad Hatter has redacted the constitutional emoluments clause for all intents and purposes.  Wonderland never stops confusing.

Somewhere in my personal Wonderland there is a football field.  Instead of white, the side and yard line markers are all blazing lines of gold.  On the sideline stands coach Lindsey Graham, with clip board in hand, a shit eating grin plastered over his face.  And lined up on the offensive line  at  wide receiver is Kristi Noam, wearing a helmet with a double thick Guardian Cap to protect her extra long, free flowing hair extensions.  I never know how she does, or the outcome of the game, because at the snap of the ball I am jolted out of my sleep.  I shuffle off to the bathroom to pee.  The night’s slumber is over.  For the rest of the early morning I will be wondering about Wonderland.  Through consciousness and sleep, Wonderland exists in every dimension.  Alice.  Make it go away.  I am tired.

 

 

 

 

Peace Prize Winner Offers to Concede the Award to Trump

It has emerged that Maria Corina Machado, the Venezualan opposition leader who is the 2025 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, has proposed an unusual offering regarding her award.  Ms. Machado, who has been living in hiding for nearly a year because of politial death threats, will not attend the upcoming  award ceremony due to the ongoing security issues.  However, if all parties agree, she said she is willing to confer the award to President Trump on the condition that he go into hiding for the rest of his life.  In a statement today Nobel Institute Director Kristian Berg Harpviken said after much consideration he would approve the unconventional proposition.  “I honestly believe that the majority of our world leaders, and frankly all of humanity, feels that the president most definitely deserves to receive the award if he would step away from every aspect of governing and public life for the remainder of his time on earth.  It seems difficult to argue that at the present time there could be any comparable contribution to the social order by any other person on the planet that would  have such a positve impact according peace throughout the world.”  Mr Harpviken said as yet there has been no response from President Trump, but in light of the president’s covetous attraction to the award he is certain he is earnestly considering the offer.

Trump Visits Smithsonian Zoo to Refresh Knowledge of the Animal Kingdom

Recent confrontations  with proding female legacy reporters have caught the president a bit flat footed.  Usually quick to come up with an insulting nickname for the gals that dare criticize him, this attribute failed to engage during his meeting with Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman. When ABC reporter Mary Bruce peppered him with questions about his conflict of interest dealings with Saudi Arabia, and the Crown Prince’s involvement in the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Trump characteristically went on a rant but noticeably did not interject a sophomoric nickname for Ms. Bruce.  He did utilize his fall back move,  threatening to revoke the broadcasting license of ABC television.  But the whole episode seemed to fall flat without Trump’s intemperate middle school name calling.

Just a few days before when a female reporter on Air Force One started to ask him about the Epstein files, Trump let it be known he would have none of it.  In true Trumpian fashion, he yelled  “quiet piggy,”  sending a clear message to all lowly female reporters none should trifle with the most powerful man in the world.

Feeling he might have lost his touch after the Bruce confrontation, he thought he needed to step up his game. Since the “piggy” slur had landed so well with MAGA members,  Steven Miller suggested a zoo visit might be just the ticket.  He thought observing animals in their synthetic environments would offer inspiration, and of course it would be a relaxing divergence from the rigors of the golf course.

All indications are the trip was a resounding success.  The elephants, hippos and apes were mentally bookmarked for quick reference when a quick physically degrading insult should be required in the future.  The childrens petting zoo harbored obvious possibilities .  Since Trump is not inclined to duplicate nickname creations, little time was spent observing the two pigs (i.e. “piggy”) or shetland pony (i.e. “horseface'”).  But Trump felt the donkey, cow and goat had significant potiential and were introspectively catalogued.

To complete a very gratifying day, the president instructed VP Vance and Secretary Rubio to scour the enclosed pen for retrievable animal excrement and engage in a competive game of “dodge scat”.  After a few minutes of hillarious enjoyment, the president lost interest, and he and Steve Miller headed for the exit, notifying Vance and Rubio they would have to find their own return  transportation.

 

 

 

Updated CDC Web Site Restores Bloodletting as Prefered Treatment for Infectious Disease

By way of clarifying the new anti vaccination information appearing on the the government’s CDC website, it now posts bloodletting as the primary method health care professionals should consider when presented with a patient with viral or bacterial infections.  The new information was added on instructions from Health and Human Services secretary Robert Kennedy.  Kennedy, who basically rejects modern germ theory and believes the human immune system will take care of itself with healthy living and good nutrition, believes bloodletting has gotten a bad rap.   “If it was good enough for George Washington, it’s damn well good enough for the rest of us,” he has often stated.

In related CDC news, Kennedy has informed that department that the new prefered protocol for treating health conditions that present with  moderate or temperate symptoms will be leech therapy.

Trump Signs Executive Order of Papal Installation

When President Trump expressed his determined  interest to fill the void left by the death of Pope Francis last night, untold numbers of the MAGA faithful flocked to the White House today to observe the official papal inauguration of Pope Trump.  With his customary flair and self-approbation, the omniscient  new pope  signed executive order 129, a confusing  “Document of Papal Succession,” that he created  and has declared that it bestows exclusively upon him  the pontifical doctrine of infallibility.  “I know it seems superfluous,” Deputy Chief of Staff Steven Miller said during the installation.  “Everyone knows he’s been divined by God to make America great and his uncanny ability to do everything right is proof of his own infallibility.  I think apostolic leaders everywhere are supportive of this appointment.”

The second the papal president held up and displayed the document emblazoned with his unique fibrillating signature, the adoring gathering in the Oval Office  broke out in gleeful celebatory applause, and Vice President Vance threw a five gallon bucket of “beautiful” lignite coal into the flaming fireplace.  As soon as thick black smoke began hurling from the Oval Office chimney, the official Trump signal of papal succession, and for many an appropriate  symbol of his smoldering administration as well, hysterical jubulation permeated the anxious crowd waiting on the White House grounds.

In his public address later Papal President Trump defended his decision to appoint himself Pope.  “I had to do something.  The Catholics love me.  They voted for me in huge numbers, Big numbers.  I couldn’t let them down.  I mean at the pope’s funeral  I’m talking to all these bishops and  cardinals and all the people with the funny hats- we love the funny hats don’t we?  I wear my pope hat and you’ll know I’ll be all business with the pope stuff. Ah, so I’m at the funeral and I find out it can take weeks, months even, before there is a new pope. Can you believe it?  We can’t have that. You just can’t hold up an election while people try to make up their minds.  You set a day and you do the election.  You wait around for an election and bad things happen.  Really bad things.  That’s an easy way to rig an election.  Everyone knows I always win elections, so here is this election and these guys are just… all confused or something.  So to save time I just went ahead and made sure there is a pope my Catholics want.  America wants.  Wait too long who knows what goes on.   If these people can’t make a decision, well someone has to step in and do it for them.  And let’s face it.  Leave the election up to those guys in Italy and those other foreign counties and you don’t know what you’re gonna get.  I hate to say it, I mean the guy’s dead, but this Pope Francis got a little carried away with DEI.  We can’t have that.  Can’t have it.  The next guy could be way worse.   I made a promise to bring back religion to America, and we need a Christian America  with proper Christian values and now we have it.  So the election, ah everyone knows I would win anyway so I just signed off on it to speed things up, like what everyone is suggesting I do in 2028. I win another election, so what is that?  That’s four right?  Four.  Could be five. Think about it!  Five.  Five’s a good round number, right?

So Jesus is back!  Jesus is back!  We love Jesus don’t we?  And Christmas!  Christmas is back!  Man will Christmas be great this year. The tariffs, beautiful tariffs, and now me, the pope.  We are going to be rich, this country will be really rich, everyone, rich,.. and ah, holy, of course, can’t forget we’ll be holy too, but rich the likes of which you’ve never seen before.  Presents under the tree.  Kids are gonna be going nuts, all that stuff under the big beautiful Christmas tree.  And Easter eggs!  Price of eggs will be down, way down probably lower than they’ve ever been.  So anyway, God bless America and God bless, ah God.

 

Trump Introduces Novel Immigrant Exchange Dynamic

It has emerged that President Trump has initiated a unique component to his sweeping immigrant removal policy.  Presidential advisor Steven Miller called it the “White 4 Brown Initiative,” and explained it this way.  “The administration is succesfully removing the free loading, crime infested riff raff from our country, and as part of the administration’s death to DEI policy, the president feels we now have room to accept the kind of people he knows will be assets to our great nation.”

Miller went on to promote the anchoring feature of the initiative, the president’s new Gold Card, a very special sort of Green Card that for all intents and purposes automatically bestows citizenship to anyone willing to pay the 5 million dollar entry fee.  When queried about discrimination and token vetting conflicts which might allow a shifty Russian oligarch to take up residence, Miller replied that anyone with 5 million dollars in liquid assets is obviously someone of good character and more importantly, white.  “The president knows people and he knows people with lots of money are the best kind of people.  That’s why he packed his cabinet with billionaires and lets the richest man in the world  make his decisions for him.  It’s what great leaders do.”

                   

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A more controversial aspect of the White 4 Brown policy emerged with the arrival of Andrew and Tristan Tate on Florida’s shores.  Safe in the Arms of Trump’s America

When asked about the logic behind replacing deported immigrant rapists and sex traffickers with white rapists and sex traffickers, Miller responded by reminding everyone that the judicial system is always out to get white people, and therefore the Tate brothers are likely victims of a witch hunt.   “It is a priority of the president to make sure the weaponization of the judiciary that so blatantly persecuted him will only persecute proper people in the future,” Miller stated.

                    

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In a related story, convicted then commuted seditionist Enrique Tarrio says he is seriously considering his candidacy for a Florida seat in the House of Representatives.  Asked for a comment, President Trump said he  wished him good luck and he couldn’t be prouder of that Proud Boy.