Starting this Friday, July 3rd, President Trump is dropping the price of all his personal merch by 10%.  You got it right- EVERYTHING!  Bibles, guitars, cologne, Chirstmas ornaments, golden sneakers, you name it.  Want a $100,000 gold watch?  Imagine slapping that on your wrist knowing you just saved 10K !  That’s like scoring an insider trading opportunity that only people like the President of the United States can trigger and take advantage of.  Are you the type that can’t get enough of mindlessly gazing at the president’s manly image on his NFT trading cards?  What’s your fancy?  Trump cowboy? Trump astronaut? Trump Superman?  Believe it or not, this week end only, you can bundle all three, or any three of your choice for an extra 5% off.  That’s a total of 15% off!!  How does that work you say?  Just make your purchase with the president’s bitcoin, $Trump.  It’s that simple.  Not only are you saving, but you are exponentially contributing to the president’s bank account.  You can’t get anymore patriotic than that.  What if you’re the demanding type that wants more than visual stimulation, and has always appreciated the soothing ambiance of President Trump’s voice.?  In case you are not aware, there is a vast selection of talking items available, cards, pens, buttons.  Grab them while you can before it’s too late.  Think you can’t possibly get one of those gigantic banners of himself that the president has hanging from every federal building in Washington DC?  Think again my friend.  Even though your tax dollars already paid for them for over three thousand dollars  each, you can own one all by yourself for a mere $2500.  To be honest, we’re not sure how this particular offer transpired, but we know Eric and Don Junior are personally involved, so rest assured it’s all on the up and up.

If you’re looking for a presidential pardon, you won’t believe your good luck. It’s stars and stripes week end and the president is willing to allign the stars in a most fortuitous way should you need such an accommodation to prevent the inconvenient bars of confinement from casting their striped shadows of justice upon you.  Since there has really been no fixed figure for this favor, the10% discount is basically moot.  But the president is a business man and is willing to negotiate.  More than likely a million dollars will get the job done, but don’t underestimate the enticing  effect anything of value that is shiney and gold  has on the president.  Make an offer.

Happy 4th everyone.