Fresh off the retail success of his Bible sales, Donald Trump says he is extremely excited to share his limited supply of the relics of Jesus Christ with his loyal followers. “People don’t really know this but I have a nice, beautiful, chunk of the Holy Cross,” Trump said during a pre-marketing discussion with reporters. “And the piece I have is one of the best, probably the best piece, with..well, I had a real smart guy, sharp guy, like an…apraiser of old antiques. He pointed out a blood stain, a pretty big blood stain, on the piece I have and so that makes it one of the best out there. So I have carpenters, the best carpenters, standing by to whittle off whatever someone would want. I have, like, small, medium and large, um… slivers. I think the small, and it’s small, like really tiny… that goes for $69.99. You’re better off with a medium of course. That goes for $89.99. And the best deal is the large. That goes for $99.99. That size will really stand out, and people will know you are a true patriot or uh… believer. Hang it on the wall and it really looks nice. Beautiful.”
Asked why he decided to part with such a sacred possession, Trump said he was inspired by the Bible. “People really like the Bible, it’s like, of all the books, it’s probably everyone’s favorite. You know the sales for my Bible were like, fantastic. So I asked myself, what do I have people would really like, really appreciate. And I thought, Bible, religion… Christianity. You know we have to get back to that. People want that. And of course there’s this thing now. You know I hate to brag but everyone says I’m like… Jesus. And you can understand. All the persecution. I’m being persecuted. All the time. And, and everyone knows I’m doing it for them. For them. Just like Jesus. And I have this piece of the cross. Why not share it? People will really go for that. They’ll look at it and be reminded how much I’ve suffered for them…and Jesus too, of course. Me and Jesus.”
When asked how he was able to procure his section of the cross, Trump said he prefered not to discuss that. “These things, religous things, they’re personal. People ask me all the time, they walk up and say, ‘sir, what’s your favorite Bible passage?’ I tell them that’s too personal. That’s between me and God,” Trump said. ” Same thing with the cross, and, and the circumcision.. Jesus’s circumcision. A guy came up and asked me…a big guy, strong guy…he said ‘sir’,…he knew I had Jesus’s foreskin. Not many people know I have that, but this guy did, and he said ‘sir, how in the world did you get ahold of Jesus’s foreskin.’ Well, that’s really, I mean, super personal. I’m not going to discuss Jesus’s…well, anybody’s… foreskin with him. With anyone. That’s REALLY personal. People don’t know it, but the circumcision used to be a big thing in the church. There was like… a holiday and everything. It was like the 4th of July. A really big deal. You don’t hear about it much anymore, but way back… it was really big. And talk about personal. I mean, come on. Jesus’s foreskin! To be honest I didn’t know much about it for a long time. I read about it, maybe, or someone told me about it, I can’t remember, but just by luck I happend to get ahold of it. Now, you know there’s not much there to work with. I mean, come on! It’s the kid’s schlong…not much you can divy up. But… you talk about rare! Limited edition! Limited. LIM-I-TED! So…I’ve talked to my people, good people, pastors, and church leaders, all sorts of leaders…just, only the Christian churches and leaders of course, and… they all think this is really, really valuable stuff. I mean they say it’s like worth.. in the millions.”
The question on the minds of most of the reporters was just how would Mr. Trump “divy up” the Savior’s foreskin. For now Mr. Trump said he could not give a precise answer. “I have to work that out with my people, and we’ll just have to wait and see,” Mr. Trump stated. Apparently dealing with the deilcate tissue requires sensitive handling. He did mention that whatever was decided in the way of dissemination, ultimately the ownership opportunities would be few. To curtail some of the disappointment, Mr. Trump said since so many people consider him to be the new Messiah, he was pretty sure he could locate his own circumsized foreskin and offer it for distribution as well. “They say that would sell like hot cakes, the hottest hotcakes. The religious…my religous followers, my favorite people. They might really go for that. You never know how anything will go. We’ll just have to wait and see. ” So as always with Trump, we all must just wait and see.