The family of House Speaker Mike Johnson requested a wellness check yesterday over concerns about the speaker’s recent reclusiveness.  It  has emerged that the speaker has not left the house for seven weeks, and for the past five days has locked himself in a basement room of his residence.

One of the responding police officers, Sergeant Doug Wilson, said that the family informed him that as time elapsed during his self-imposed congressional recess, the speaker became more and more depressed until it reached the point when he raided the residence pantry of canned food items and locked himself in the basement mother-in-law suite.

Information gathered from the family members revealed the pivotal cause of Mr. Johnson’s distress is his psychological conflict over the Epstein files.  As a deeply religious man, he feels he has a moral duty to do everything in his power to secure the file’s release.  On the other hand, crushing political pressure bears down on him to do otherwise.  Mr. Johnson’s 38 year old adopted son Junior put it this way.  “He knows the right thing to do is get the files out there.  He openly stated several times he has an obligation to  do that.  Then when it became public knowledge that Trump was extensively involved in the mess, the politcal pressure was so intense he not only made a conscious decision to go along with a cover up, but he became the unwitting commander of an unholy alliance protecting pedophiles.  And it’s killing him.”

Junior is particularly close to the speaker.  The two of them have made a pact to inform each other whenever they are tempted to succumb to the enticement of pornography, using computer software that enables rapid notification. Newsweek Nov 6 2023:

Junior says he rushed over to his parents house after his anti-pornography feature lost contact with his father’s.  When at the home, he had to speak through the locked door of the mother-in-law suite.  “My father was weeping and telling me he had let me down.  He was obviously emotionally conflicted, saying he was afraid he was traveling the road to hell by abandoning the Lord and serving a false prophet.  I could tell his mind had been visited by wicked demons,” Junior said.  “That’s when we decided to call the police.”

The police involvement initiated a panic attack from the speaker that escalated into screaming hysterics, but after the police and Junior calmed him down and he assured everyone he was alright, he unlocked the door and the police left.  Family members also adjourned to the upper level of the home leaving Junior alone to console his father.

Junior said that the two of them talked briefly about the president, reporting that his father was specifically interested to know if his son agreed with the surging population who think they have been duped by a dividian leader possessing  demonic powers and who’s soul is a moral wasteland.   Junior, who runs a marijuana business and dabbles in cryptocurrency, thought it best to mollify the situation by reminding the speaker of all the good that could result if he should happen to get some inside information about the looming plans the president has for federal stablecoins.  Junior said that made his dad feel a lot better, and he is ready to convene congress and continue the work of his lord.

When reporters at yesterday’s  press conference began inquiring about the president’s detachment during the recent Oval Office meeting with pharmacuetical executives, Steven Miller became irrate.

Press corps members expressed concern about Trump’s comportment during last weeks Oval Office conference where an attendee suddenly collapsed

“The man was laying dead on the floor and you guys don’t notice the president’s deep state of meditation?  You act like he was standing there with his thumbs up his ass.  He saved the man’s life!”  Miller said as he stormed out of the room, leaving Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt to provide clarification.

“Yes, yes of course,” Leavitt deftly responded, and proceded to switch her lips into rapid-fire mode.  Pouty Lips Hire   “As you well know the president possesses mystical powers incomprehensible to the rest of us.  That man was dead on the floor and thanks to the president’s quick thinking and impromtu telapathic response, he was able to transmit  life saving rays of devine resuscitative matter into that poor man that fortunately pulled him from the brink of death.”  After a short pause that gave the members of the press time for apologetic reflection, Ms. Leavitt said the incident should make clear to everyone  how the president always considers the needs of others before his.

Ms. Leavitt also reminded everyone that whenever the president appears to be snoozing he is merely regenerating his messianic powers.