“Weird” is very much an appropriate word to describe the Republican party- elected members, the campaign, the hypocritical commentary from pundints as well as so many in a completely uninformed public. Trump has pretty much made sure the term  will be solidly plastered into any historical description of his 2024 campaign by welcoming RFK Jr. into it, with the attached possibility of a role in his administration no less.  However the weird theme careened off into the repugnant  in a very manifest way via right wing media pundint Ann Coulter and conservative radio host Jay Weber.  Those two, along with several miscreants who unfortunatly litter social media with their flatulent garbage, mocked Tim Walz’s son Gus for becoming emotional during the DNC convention.  When she found out Gus has a neurodivergent disorder, Coulter, offering no apology, quickly deleted her comment. In the JD Vance reality you could easily identify Coulter as the poster girl for his “cat lady” theory.  Engaged several times but never married, she has no children.  That, it turns out, is something of a blessing.   Whether she was aware of Gus’s condition or not, a woman who would mock any child expressing such visceral pride in his father, especially in that emotional and historical moment, that woman is clearly not mother material.

To his credit, Weber did appologize to the Walz family.  But there are many male  media provocateurs who have no intention of appologizing for their cruel posts, which brings to mind something Vance has critically omitted from his curious “cat woman”concept.  Vance of course fails to consider there are many reasons people are adverse to bringing up a child in this economically, environmentally, and socially stressed world.  But It does take two to tango.  Nowhere in Vance’s premise does he mention the responsibility males have in it.  To Vance, it’s  un-American  women who are primarily to blame for selfish childlessness and a  plunging  birth rate.  Thus according to Vance, people with kids deserve to have more votes and be positioned as the ruling class.

All the nasty media posts concerning Gus Walz might be revealing in an obscure way.  Maybe  the reason some women shy away from having children is they are gradually realizing mysoginistic, toxic masculinity is actually a thing.   Self respecting, discriminating women might not be too interested in having  children with a bullying partner who takes pride in punching down.  Vance should give some thought to coming up with a generic term he can apply to the male accomplices in his personal “weird” hypothesis.

Real Masculinity

Since first espousing  his unconventional belief that individuals must choose one set of parental genetic material over the other and stick with it during his appearance on the National Association of Black Journalists convention,  former President Trump has endured a barrage of criticism.  Though his position is racially loaded and scientifically considered a total disregard of fundamental laws of inheritance that date back to the genetic discoveries  by Gregor Mendel in the 19th century, Trump has only doubled down on his position that no one can claim to posses the hereditary nature  of both  biological parents.   Double Doo Doo  

When asked recently to clarify his position, Trump responded “Look. One person can’t be two people.  You’re either one or the other.  People forget I had an uncle, a realy smart uncle, I mean a genius, who taught at MIT for many, many years, I believe longer than anyone, I mean a really long time.  So believe me I know more about genetics and science than…anyone.”

Unsure of how Trump’s statement clarified anything, long time Trump political advisor Stephen Miller was asked to shed light on the subject.  Miller, a major architect of Project  2025, commented, “It’s simple.  If  President Trump says something, it must be true.  We have a plan in place.  When President Trump gets reelected, his vision will become crystal clear.   Government will be streamlined with no more bureaucrats and so called scientists telling us what to do. And his ideas about race will become transformative.  Each person will be assigned a color that best suits a particular person’s selected race.  And before long, with Trump in charge, America will be united, one color, under God.  The American people deserve this.”

“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and they deserve to get it good and hard”.    H.L.  Mencken

After a decades long relationship, Donald Trump has fired his chief media consultant, David Pecker.  Replacing him will be a duel team, Fox News hosts Sean Hannity and Jesse Watters. The former president’s daughter-in-law Lara Trump, who is also the Republican National Committee Co-chair as well as the party’s official surprise  vocalist, gave this brief explanation of the decision:

“It is with a heavy heart that President Trump has decided to part ways with David Pecker and his National Enquirer organization.  After so many years of reporting Trump facts, it has been recently disclosed that Mr. Pecker is no longer of sound mind.  Loyal Republicans can be assured that previous National Enquirer stories published about President Trump are true and accurate.  We are terribly sorry about Mr. Pecker’s misfortune, but obviously our family and campaign will need to recruit more capable media spokesmen.  Mr. Hannity and Mr. Watters have demonstrated  their superior bone fides regarding the presentation and dissemination  of Trump truths.   We are extremely confidnet Mr. Hannity and Mr. Watters will keep providing  those facts that we know the country wants to hear.  Thank you and God bless America.”

After her statement, and on queue, Mrs. Trump broke out an unusual rendition of   “God Bless America.”

Fresh off the retail success of his Bible sales, Donald Trump says he is extremely excited to share his limited supply of the relics of Jesus Christ with his loyal followers.  “People don’t really know this but I have a nice,  beautiful,  chunk of the Holy Cross,” Trump said during a pre-marketing  discussion with reporters.  “And the piece I have is one of the best, probably the best piece, with..well, I had a real smart guy, sharp guy, like an…apraiser of old  antiques.  He pointed out a blood stain, a pretty big blood stain, on the piece I have and so that makes it one of the best out there.  So I have carpenters, the best carpenters,  standing by to whittle off whatever someone would want.  I have, like, small, medium and large, um… slivers.  I think the small, and it’s small, like really tiny… that goes for $69.99.  You’re better off with a medium of course.  That goes for $89.99.  And the best deal is the large.  That goes for $99.99. That size will really stand out, and people will know you are a true patriot or uh… believer.  Hang it on the wall and it really looks nice.  Beautiful.”

Asked why he decided to part with such a  sacred possession, Trump said he was inspired by the Bible.  “People really like the Bible, it’s like, of all the books, it’s probably everyone’s favorite. You know the sales for my Bible were like, fantastic.  So I asked myself, what do I have people would really like, really appreciate.  And I thought, Bible, religion… Christianity.  You know we have to get back to that. People want that.  And of course there’s this thing now.  You know I hate to brag but everyone says I’m like… Jesus.  And you can understand.  All the persecution.  I’m being persecuted.  All the time.  And, and everyone knows I’m doing it for them.  For them.  Just like Jesus.  And I have this piece of the cross.  Why not share it?  People will really go for that.  They’ll look at it and be reminded how much I’ve suffered for them…and Jesus too, of course.  Me and Jesus.”

When asked how he was able to procure his section of the cross, Trump said he prefered not to discuss that.  “These things, religous things, they’re personal.  People ask me all the time, they walk up and say, ‘sir, what’s your favorite Bible passage?’  I tell them that’s too personal.  That’s between me and God,” Trump said. ” Same thing with the cross, and, and  the circumcision..  Jesus’s circumcision.  A guy came up and asked me…a big guy, strong guy…he said ‘sir’,…he knew I had Jesus’s foreskin.  Not many people know I have that, but this guy did, and he said ‘sir, how in the world did you get ahold of Jesus’s foreskin.’  Well, that’s really, I mean, super personal.  I’m not going to discuss Jesus’s…well, anybody’s… foreskin with him.  With anyone.  That’s REALLY personal.  People don’t know it, but the circumcision used to be a big thing in the church.  There was like… a holiday and everything.  It was like the 4th of July.  A really big deal. You don’t hear about it much anymore, but way back… it was really big.  And talk about personal.  I mean, come on.  Jesus’s foreskin!  To be honest I didn’t know much about it for a long time.  I read about it, maybe, or someone told me about it, I can’t remember, but just by luck I happend to get ahold of it.  Now, you know there’s not much there to work with.  I mean, come on!  It’s the kid’s schlong…not much you can divy up. But… you talk about rare!  Limited edition!  Limited.  LIM-I-TED!  So…I’ve talked to my people, good people, pastors, and church leaders, all sorts of leaders…just, only the Christian churches and leaders of course, and… they all think this is really, really valuable stuff.  I mean they say it’s like worth.. in the millions.”

The question on the minds of most of the reporters was just how would Mr. Trump “divy up” the Savior’s foreskin.  For now Mr. Trump said he could not give a precise answer.  “I have to work that out with my people, and we’ll just have to wait and see,” Mr. Trump stated. Apparently dealing with the deilcate tissue requires sensitive handling.  He did mention that whatever was decided in the way of dissemination, ultimately the ownership opportunities would be few.  To curtail some of the disappointment, Mr. Trump said since so many people consider him to be the new Messiah, he was pretty sure he could locate his own circumsized foreskin and offer it for distribution as well.  “They say that would sell like hot cakes, the hottest hotcakes. The religious…my religous followers, my favorite people.  They might really go for that. You never know how anything will go. We’ll just have to wait and see. ” So as always with Trump, we all must just wait and see.

The official investigation of the tragic collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge might take  awhile to complete, but you know what they say- time is money.   So in the interest of time I thought I would do everyone a favor and synopsize how the events unfolded according to a crack team of Republican influencers.   The cargo ship’s collision with the bridge was an intentional attack (Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green) probably terrorist in nature (Steve Bannon), no doubt a sabotage event conducted by undocumented immigrants (Maria Bartiromo) who were brainwahed by DEI programs (State Rep. Phil Lyman, Elon Musk ), and who selected as a target a bridge weakened by Biden’s infrastructure bill that places way too much emphasis on climate change (Rep. Nancy Mace), with all said nefariousness ultimaley conducted and coordinated by President Biden’s weaponized Department of Justice. ( Sen. Eric Schmitt).

Public Servants at Your Service

Rest assured members of  this dedicated cohort thoroughly researched this situation in their usual expeditious manner.  There is never an opportune occasion whereby they deprive the nation of their expertise. These are seasoned public informants, capable of quickly ascertaining the most minute details of any unanticipated crisis.  When a gigantic cargo ship the length of the Eiffel Tower and transporting 4,700 shipping containers with a total weight of 116,000 tons looses power and all propulsion  in the middle of the surging current of a large river, who could doubt their commanding comprehension of such a merritime calamity .

As we all know our country is about to experience one of its darkest hours.  All America anxiously awaits another carefully crafted explanation that will be offered by the ever expanding body of wisdom that resides within the ranks of the GOP.  It is they, and only they, who can provide proper warning of, and hopefully extraction from, the talons of wokeness that clutch us with paralyzing fear. We can count on them to furnish a clear understanding of how Joe Biden’s deep state is about to remove the sun from the sky and plunge the nation into total blackness on April 8th.  Prepare yourselves!

Members of the Conference of American Panpsychists concluded their annual meeting in Indianapolis today, and the primary concern that was unanimously approved and adopted into their yearly mission statement was a warning about former President Trump’s pants.  Panpsychist’s anchoring premise is a belief that consciousness is a fundamental aspect of reality, and as such resides everywhere in the universe, including inanimant material.  In a nutshell, the organization wants the general public to be aware that there is a distict possibility that Donald J. Trump’s pants might spontaneously ignite at any moment.

“In the entire history of the world we have no evidence of anyone so blatantly lying like Mr. Trump does,” said Thomas Blwynchrnykk, the group’s communication director and spokesman.  “Just during his time in office, over 30,000 of his lies  were documented.  We have no kind of record of his fabrications before that time, but we concluded it would have to be substantial.  And since his administration, our statistical department has recorded  over 4,000 of his lies.  Those are just the ones we know about, like the 2,126 times he promoted his Big Lie of a stolen election.  We estimate the total number of his falsehoods since leaving office to be in the 10,000 range, and even that seems conservative.

Mr. Blwynchmykk said no one can be certain when, or even if, Mr. Trump’s pants will combust, but he said his organization is  alarmed enough to firmly believe it has a responsiblilty to issue an alarm.  “The universe is aware of Mr. Trump’s deceits.  Consciousness is an all  pervasive ether. Everything surrounding Mr. Trump is listening- people certainly, but likewise, tables, walls, trees, rocks and yes, toilets.  We do not know the absolute number of lies it takes to push the creation mechanism over the brink, but I would imagine that cosmic power can be restrained for just so long.  What we are recommending is to maintain a minimum of 15 feet between yourself and Donald Trump’s pants.”

This is new.  Melania is center stage in Trump’s latest grift, as well as his primo defense in the upcoming hush money case.  On Valentines day half of America got a bazaar fundraising message wherein Trump sought to demonstrate the depth of his love for his third wife Melania by refering to his lengthy list of criminal charges. If you want to see it just do the google thing.  Then you can click, and for a variety of suggested dollar amounts you can also send your love to Melania.  Say it with cash.  It’s the Trump way.

Not only is Trump counting on Melania  to provide him with some quick cash, but she is basically his entire defense in the upcoming New York  hush money suit.  Extracting himself from that predicament will require his attorneys to fancy talk a jury into believing that in paying off a porn star, he was only trying to keep Melania from finding out what a dick he is, rather than criminally falsifying business records.  Seems like a hard pull.  I mean, Trump might have snowed Melania with an eye-blindingly garish life style for a little while, but even she probably figured out what a mysogynistic superficial turd he his after living with him for a couple years.  OK.  A couple months. Um, weeks?  Chances are pretty good a jury will figure that out within two hours. Besides college basketball madness in March this year, the Political Entertaiment Champion of the World could very well provide us with some lingual gymnastices the likes of which we have never seen.

Early this morning angry Trump supporters smashed windows and set fire to the front door of the Tillson House in Dixville Notch New Hampshire, the town’s polling place for voting this year.  Apparently the mob was triggered by a Truth Social rant that Trump sent after Nikki Haley received all 6 of the hamlet’s votes.

Shortly after 1am this morning, Trump sent out this message: “RIGGED ELECTION IN DIXVILLE NOTCH!!  NASTY NANCY PELOSI, NASTY NANCY, GOT 100% OF VOTES!!  ALL POLLING NUMBERS SHOWED I WAS  LEADING HUGLEY!!!  WE CAN’T STAND FOR THIS!!  LOT’S OF SHIFTY THINGS GOING ON AT MIDNIGHT HERE- WHOEVER HEARD OF MIDNIGHT VOTING!!  NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS AFTER MIDNIGHT.  COMMUNIST DEMS ARE RIGGING OUR ELECTIONS!  MUST TAKE ACTION!!!!!”

In a related story, police arrested a half dozen people attempting to break into Nancy Pelosi’s San Francisco home.  Two windows were broken, but no injuries were reported.

Appearing to be running out of fresh people to investigate, House Freedom Caucus members have a surprisingly different target in their sights.  This time it’s not a Biden family member, or a member of the current president’s cabinet, but someone in their own party- Trump rival for the Republican presidential nomination Nikki Haley.

Paritularily adamant in calling for immediate congressional inquirey is Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene.  What is so disturbing to her is what  former President Trump reported about Nikki Haley during his recent campaign rally.  Mr. Trump mentioned that she was responsible for destroying evidence and ignoring his offer to provide law enforement manpower on January 6th. Demonic Demagogic Dementia

When it was pointed out the former president was obviously confusing Haley with Nancy Pelosi, and the rest of what he said about January 6th was untrue, Ms. Greene insisted that was impossible.  “Everyone knows he has the best  congnitives because he just passed his recent cognitive test with flying colors.  And we all know how honest he is.  If President Trump says it happened, it happened. Period!

Canvassing a number of MAGA Republicans in New Hampshire  today, most offered the same advice we heard from Pete Swizzlestick.  “I sure hope anyone thinking of voting for Nikki Haley is paying attention.  I am so grateful that President Trump is on top of things and letting everyone know about Haley and all the shenanigans that went on with all that January 6th business.”