Author Archives: cuduke

About cuduke

I am a retired pharmacist with lots of opinions about a variety of subjects. I am two years into this retirement thing and decided I need a hobby. For better or worse this blog is it. I was born and raised in Sheridan WY, attended a Catholic prep school in Richardton ND, and obtained my pharmacy degree from Creighton University in Omaha NE. I married my lovely wife immediately after college and we have lived in Omaha ever since. I have a daughter who lives in San Francisco and a son who lives in Denver and we take advantage of their hospitality as much as possible.

Recent Polling Tilting in President’s Favor

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Last week’s polling results seem to indicate President Trump’s favorability ratings are on the upswing.   Though his Vehemently Enthusiastic numbers slipped 2 percentage points into the Mildly Disappointed range, it would appear that modest decline is offset by the dramatic 12 point shift from the Despondently Suicidal upward to the slightly less unfavorable Mind-numbingly Apathetic.  It is unclear if these polling deviations were due to recent intensive investigative probing or if there is some kind of psychological adaptation occurring.  Those polled were asked to give a response to several questions related to the president’s governing policy, administration, and past and present conduct.  Topics covered included:

Nepotism and related corruption, repetitive failure of administrative officials to complete federal disclosure forms,  Stormy Daniels, cover-up, hush money, rampant cabinet corruption and abuse of power, bloated personal and family travel expenses, Russian involvement in democratic processes, campaign involvement with Russians, obstruction of justice,  personal involvement with Russians,  the Mueller investigation in general, hypocrisy of Asian production of Trump products,  administrative staff turn-over, administrative staff incompetence, ignoring proper personnel vetting processes, Access Hollywood tape, hiring former lobbyists, the Steele dossier,  Karen McDougal, juvenile name-calling and bullying, Steve Bannon, personal “fixer” Michael Cohen, political/personal conflicts of interest, violations of the emoluments clause, refusal to release  tax records, tax evasion, Carl Icahn, condoning insider trading,  admiration of diabolical despots, professional hiring/firing practices, grasp of basic domestic policy, grasp of basic foreign policy, mocking the physically handicapped,  inconsistent Middle East military strategy,  multiple sexual assault allegations, reading competency level, incomprehensible ability to convince white evangelical Christians to abandon Christian principles, understanding of scientific data and inquiry, acceptance of responsibly, Paul Manafort, money laundering, distorting reality, paranoiac criticism of media and law enforcement, obsessive/compulsive television viewing, creepy physical attraction to daughter Ivanka, incoherent rants and tweets, inability to tell the truth, threats against political opponents, threats against common citizens, demonizing minorities, condoning activity of known hate groups, demolishing public safety safeguards, expansion of religious exemptions to anti-discrimination protections, James Comey, undoing expansion of overtime pay,  endangering worker safety, stifling consumer protection agencies and thwarting financial industry safeguards, hypocritical hiring of undocumented workers, concealing White House visitor log, withholding DC Trump hotel documents, Michael Flynn, narcissistic and self-congradulatory rhetoric, multiple bankruptcies, stiffing creditors and contractors, tenant intimidation, housing discrimination, mafia ties, Trump University fraud, inordinate number of golfing excursions, self-dealings of Trump Foundation, estate tax repeal and other tax breaks for the wealthy, misleading the public about who benefits from tax plan, lying about how tax plan affects personal finances, duping the general public by insisting Mexico will pay for a border wall, caving to hedge funds and private equity firms, massive cuts to student aid, allowing big companies to pollute our air and water and otherwise inflict irreparable damage to the natural world.

When people were asked how they were able to extract themselves from the group considering suicide, poll participant Troy Smuckers suggested folks do what he did and enlist the help of a local mental health facility.   “It’s all pretty overwhelming and I came real close,” he said.  “Fortunately I got in touch with Steve at the Trump Help Line downtown and he said what has been helping a lot of people is simply taking a 20 pound sledge hammer and knocking out a wall of their house.  Guess what?  Steve was right!  Now that huge hole in the side of my house is a lot bigger problem then all this fucking bullshit Trump is shit-staining the country with.  Ya. I feel pretty damn good!”

 

Mr. Smuckers attributes his more positive outlook on life to the purchase of a 20 lb sledge.

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Pruitt Surges in Trump Cabinet Corruption Sweepstakes

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Almost overnight EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt took over first place in the Trump Cabinet Corruption competition.  Sweepstakes chairman Fred Diddly indicated the revelations in the past few days were unprecedented and impressed everyone on the review panel.  “You gotta hand it to Scott.  He took paranoia to another level with all the security he thinks he requires. Four million tax dollars and it’s only April.  I don’t know how he ever got the government to pay for his 20 member security team when he went to Morocco, especially when you consider the only thing he discussed  there was American natural gas, which has nothing to do with his department.  You have to admit the guy’s got hutspa.   The graft involved in the condo rental from a congessional lobbyist was striking in itself, but for me what put him over the top was that thing where he has his personal chauffeur blast an emergency vehicle siren in order to work his massive security entourage through DC traffic so he can get to his favorite restaurant in a timely manor. The man might be in a league of his own,” Mr. Diddly asserted.

Left: Secretary Pruitt explaining to the sweepstakes panel the level of corruption he feels he has accomplished so far

When asked to comment, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, who is now in second place, did not seem concerned.  “Look, you all know what I am capable of.  I don’t think spending $139,000 on office doors is something you can thumb your nose at.  I move the ball in big chunks.  It won’t take me long to catch up.”

Treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin could not be reached for comment, but the review panel universally agreed he has to be worried now.  Mnuchin, who for a short time occupied the top spot, has got to feel the honor is slipping out of reach.  Outlandish travel expenses and standing with your wife on an airport tarmac flaunting your elite status seems very unoriginal in light of what Secretary Pruitt has accomplished.  There are rumblings that he could fall all the way back to fifth, behind Secretaries DeVos and Carson.

And what is up with those two?  Stuck in a tie now for fourth, neither seems willing to go on the offensive.  The panel’s predominant thinking is HUD Secretary Carson could be flailing.  Canceling the $30,000 dining table purchase for his office showed the pressure might just be too much for him.  However there is a report circulating that Secretary Carson might be thinking about a comeback by engaging in flagrant nepotism once again. Involving his son Ben Jr. or possibly other relatives in agency programs might be something that could boost the secretary’s standings.

The problem with Education Secretary DeVos is how the panel interprets corruption.  Yes, the two hundred million dollar family donations to the Republican party over the years opened the appointment door for her, but what has she done lately?  The sweepstakes panel is reluctant to categorize mind-boggling stupidity and fleecing public schools and shortchanging American students as corruption.  However, Mr. Diddly was quick to point out the conflicts of interest charges still swirling about Betsy.  The  education department’s ties to a DeVos investment firm that provides student loans is keeping her solidly in the running.  “I believe when she deregulated student loan companies, Secretary DeVos put herself in a strong competitive position.  The potential for profiteering here by the DeVos’s is encouraging,” said Mr. Diddly.

Ever alert to what happened to HHS Secretary Tom Price before he could complete his round of corruption,  it has been reported that both secretaries Pruitt and Zinke are ready to throw caution to the wind and score as many points as possible.  Zenke, emboldened by his move that slashed the acreage of two national monuments in Utah in half in order to clear the area for mining, is considering opening up a large swath of Yellowstone Park to oil and gas exploration.  Not to be outdone, secretary Pruitt has given all U.S. paint manufacturers approval to produce miniature cans of lead-based paint in colors black and orange and market them for Halloween hand-outs, and has a plan to replace all the playground sand in Oklahoma city parks with granular Dursban.

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Facebook Shenanigans

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As you are now well aware one of the best places around to get fake news is right here on Facebook.  Well guess what?  Apparently my fake news is too fakey or not fakey enough, or something.  My secret sources are telling me they never saw my last two posts.  Something fishy is going on here.  I am reposting both- Trump Organization To Test Lucrative Pornography Market and White House Tragedy    If you enjoy great fake news click on these links. You don’t want to miss out.  I know Facebook is in the process of taking measures to restrict bad fake news, but my fake news is the most honest fake news you can get.   I intend to get to the bottom of this and if I smell discrimination believe you me there will be hell to pay.  You deserve the best  fake news and as always I am committed to delivering it.

                                     

Purveyor of shitty fake news                      Count on me for accurate fake news

Trump Organization To Test Lucrative Pornography Market

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from BUSINESS WEEK UPDATE

The Trump Organization recently announced it will add a pornography segment to the conglomerate’s burgeoning portfolio.  With all the salacious revelations that continue to swirl about President Trump regarding his involvement with a virtual cavalcade of actresses in the adult film industry, acting company executive Donald Trump Jr. was questioned about the timing of this decision.  “Frankly when any normal person analyzes the details here, it’s obvious this is a business opportunity that anyone would take advantage of,” he stated.  Pointing to the almost endless list of windfalls that have fallen into the lap of the company since the president’s inauguration, Donald Jr. seemed perplexed that there would be any implication of impropriety.  “Is this really any different than our company using our political position to rake in astronomical profits from our hotels and rental properties?” Donald Jr. confidently commented.

Donald Jr. went on to outline some specifics of the company’s strategy.  Regarding his father’s sordid reputation, he made it clear the news media was once again deliberately engaging in distorted journalism.  “As always the fake news out there is painting a picture of a glass half empty.  If anything this is a glass half full situation.  In fact, the glass is overflowing with a robust, foamy froth” was how Donald Jr. described the venture.  To make his point, he once again mentioned how successful the company was in the past by leveraging the prestige of his father’s political position with the Trump brand.  By aligning that operating principle with the connection the president has to a vast  assortment of members of the adult film industry,  it became glaringly obvious to Trump management that any Trump Organization entry into the pornography industry had enormous potential for profit and company growth.

Donald Jr. stated that it was the president’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, who came up with the idea of testing the pornography industry waters.  “It all started with my father’s uncontrollable urge to help those in need.” Donald Jr. stated.  “My dad would be at a gathering and he would immediately be able to spot someone who is suffering silently.  Something about those people always catches his attention,  like, something  really sticks out.  As is typical of his generous nature, he then had Mr. Cohen send them a $130,000 check.  As happens sometimes, the word  got out what a softie my father is and pretty soon Mr. Cohen found himself writing one $130,000 check after another.  When he discovered that these poor people were coincidentally all involved in the adult film business, that’s when Mr. Cohen insightfully recognized opportunity,  Basically he made it clear to our organization that it made a lot more sense to instill dignity in the lives of these people by having them come and work for our company instead of accepting $130,000 hand-outs.”

When asked to comment, Mr. Cohen humbly stated that it is the president that deserves most of the credit for the company’s bold move.  “President Trump is constantly eyeballing attractive opportunities and is not afraid to grab the goods.  These acquisitions are just another example of how he maximizes his bang for the buck.”  The comment triggered questions about capital disbursements, but Mr. Cohen stated he was not privy to that information.  However he did mention that it was nice that he now could finally quit asking for $130,000 extensions on his home equity loan.

                   

Here are just a few adult titles that will soon be labeled with the Trump brand

 

 

Chronological Newspaper Snippets of White House Tragedy

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PRESIDENT TRUMP FOUND DEAD- FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED (Wednesday AM edition)

This morning the nation received the shocking news that the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, died sometime last night.  President Trump’s lifeless body was discovered by the White House butler, Farnsworth Stuffington, at 6:42 am.  Mr. Stuffington mentioned in his official statement  that he became alarmed when the president failed to open his bedroom door to receive his customary breakfast of sausage, bacon, biscuits and gravy and diet Coke.   “He was just lying there stone cold on his back, with that half-eaten cheeseburger clutched in his hand,” Mr. Stuffington said.

 

WH butler Farnsworth Stuffington

The FBI and local DC police were immediately summoned.  Something of particular interest to law enforcement seems to be that half-eaten cheeseburger.  It was taken into custody and held for toxicology testing. ” I’m not accusing the cheeseburger of anything nefarious,” stated FBI agent Boyd Badgeman.  “But the president just passed his physical with flying colors.  Something’s just not right here.”

White House communications staff reported that lab test results should be available in a few days.   Funeral arrangements are pending until a full investigation and possible autopsy are performed.  President Trump’s wife Melania, who has refused to share living quarters with the president until he agrees to undergo a complicated medical fumigation procedure, has been living in an undisclosed location and could not immediately be reached for comment.

A cheeseburger similor to one at left might have been involved in sudden death of president

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POLICE SWITCHBOARDS SWAMPED WITH SELF-ACCUSATORIAL PHONE CALLS (Wednesday PM edition)

Within minutes of media reports of President Trump’s death, dozens of local McDonalds employees called various law enforcement offices to admit criminal involvement.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said DC Police Chief Thomas Tueguns.  “McDonalds managers, grill cooks, cash register clerks, one after another, from thirteen different McDonalds locations here, and two in Pennsylvania.  The FBI got a call from a McDonalds employee in Michigan.  They all say they slipped something into the president’s cheeseburger. Emergency switchboards were tied up with these crazy calls all day long,” Chief Tueguns added in exasperation.     ************************************************************************

MULTIPLE SUSPECTS INTERROGATED FOR PRESIDENTIAL THREATS (Thursday PM edition)

Less than 36 hours after President Trump passed away, law enforcement has interviewed  nearly all of those who criminally implicated themselves in his death.  So far 42 McDonalds employees have been detained and held for questioning for threats against the president.  The following are a few  excerpts of recorded remarks of some of these people who work in the DC area:

Dale Swift (grill cook- Washington Harbor location):  I hate the stupid son of a bitch.  I mean, you can take just so much.  I did it and I’m glad I did it!  Lock me up for life.  It’s worth it.

Kra’Vontre Williams (french fry monitor/cashier- Massachusetts Ave location):  You think I’m not smart enough to slip some poison in his burger?  Why you think you be waitin’  twenty minutes for your fries?  I don’t just, like, disappear you know.  I’m back helpin’, pullin’ shit from the freezer.  Hell I could poison anyone I wanted to.  Stupid cracker was gonna get us all nuked. Says he’s all safe and shit at McDonalds.  Guess I showed him.

Timothy Buttersweat (night manager- Wisconsin Ave SW location):  I’m night manager now, but it won’t be long before they promote me to daytime, once they find out about this.  It wasn’t me personally, but let me tell you I have a very dedicated team.  I don’t know which one of them did it, but I am extremely proud of whoever it was.  At least twice a week I would meet with everyone that was closing down with me and we would go over the plan.  See, like everywhere we have our share of vermin running around, so there’s rat poison all over the place.  You just quick-step to the back and grab one of those poison trays and sprinkle a good bit on his burger.  That pompous turd drove by here in his limo at least once a week. He couldn’t resist our cheeseburgers and thought he was safe here.  It was just a matter of time.

Michael “Spike” Sullenrascal (grill cook- East 104th St location):  What a stupid fucker!  He thought we couldn’t poison him?  HA!  Shows ya what a moron he was. I got so sick a’ that bastard flying’ off to his snooty golf courses.  Putter-in-chief, that’s what he was.  Gonna bring back all those jobs from China.  Hell, his businesses probably got jobs.  Instead a’ slinging’ burgers I guess I wouldn’t mind a job at one a’ his places. Only thing is, in order to get to work in the morning, you have ta take a long boat ride— to CHINA!  Fuckin’ scumbag.   You bet I poisoned him. I was ready for him.  Kept my little bottle of strychnine handy right in my pocket.  Here.  Bottle’s right here. I dumped all the poison on his burger so it’s empty now.  What more proof do you want?  I know Jerry is trying to take the credit, but you don’t see no strychnine on him do ya?  I did it, you know it, and I’m the one that deserve all the credit.

Jerry Weaseling (french-fry monitor- East 104th St location)- Oh boy did I do it!  Piece of cake too.  We all got a good laugh out of president Chito spoutin’ off how he’s all afraid of cheeseburgers unless they’re made right here. What a dip-shit!  Now I know you guys been talkin’ to Spike, but he’s full of crap.  All talk, believe me.  That aint strychnine he’s carrying around.  Hell it’s probably just powdered sugar.  Check it out if you don’t believe me.  I’m the one has the concentrated jimmy jones juice. No way I’d be walking around with that shit though.  I stashed it in a special place and just waited for ol’ Trumpty Dumpty to show up.  Man, you’d have to be crazy to take  the risk totin’ that nasty stuff in your pocket.  But Spike really aint crazy.  He’s shifty but he aint crazy.  You can’t believe him. I mean it. He’s all talk.  I’m the one.  I did it and It’s me that deserves the credit.

La’Dee’da Rubright (drive-through attendant- East 39 St location):  Everyone said I gotta do it.  Even my gran momma.  If Trump ever comes in your place girl, you just GOT-TO-DO-IT!  That’s what everyone kept sayin’ cause we all know he’s crazier than a sprayed cockroach.  Sure enough, he pulled right up in his big fancy limousine and ordered a couple cheeseburgers.  I had my special salt shaker all ready.  Keep it hidden behind a stack of paper bags.  Arsenic what’s in it.  Heck you can get it right on Amazon.  My boyfriend said it would never work.  He said the president would figure it out, or like he has some food taster hangin’ around or somethin’.  But I guess that shit worked out pretty damn slick didn’t it?  Planted his fat ass right in the ground.

Jose Ramirez-Gonzalez-Ramirez (grill cook- 14 St SW location):  Si, si.  I deed it.  He send the ICE out and they grab my mother.  Trump- he is bad hombre.   He muy loco if he think a burger I make for heem is safe to eat.  Mexican cooks, they say- una hamburguesa de Trump es uno hamburguesa de muerte.  We are, like, brothers, compenaros.  And we are many.

Adding to the bazaar circumstances that have developed is the fact that law enforcement is not even considering an investigation of any McDonalds business since the cheeseburger was prepared in the White House kitchen.  “The only plausible suspects would be White House staff,” Police Chief Tueguns stated. However, any threat to the President of the United States is subject to Secret Service investigation, so anyone involved in the mass admission will be interviewed and possibly prosecuted.

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VERDICT IS IN- CHEEZEBURGER NOT GUILTY! (Friday PM edition)

Toxicology tests have confirmed the cheeseburger implicated in President Trump’s death was a perfectly fine, upstanding cheeseburger as far as cheeseburgers go, and not tainted in any way.  Chief toxicologist Barry Noseworthy stated,  “Other than the fact that the cheeseburger in question was a typical saturated fat catastrophe and a bit overdone, there was nothing about it that was questionable.  As tragic and untimely as the president’s passing was, I am sure he found the portion of the cheeseburger that he managed to consume before he expired to be very satisfying.”

As the nation mourns,  esteemed televangelist Reverend Jerry Pharisaic summed up the president’s end of life most eloquently when he said, “Like all of us, this great man had his struggles with life.  He loved cheeseburgers, yet he feared them.  But through constant prayer the Lord gave him the strength to deal with this conflict and showed him the way.  Initially the president followed that path to McDonalds. But with God’s help and the president’s own valorous courage, he was able to finally face his demon. We should all take comfort in the fact that the cheeseburger meant him no harm, and that President Trump had to have really enjoyed that final cheeseburger.”

In a related matter, the district’s Chief Medical Examiner, Dr Seymour Graves,  has issued the official pathology report.  Listed as the president’s cause of death is a massive heart attack precipitated by a perilously high cholesterol diet and sedentary life style.

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The NRA, Gun Culture- and Throw the Bums Out

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This blog is mostly history of the NRA and our gun culture in general. I have tackled the subject a dozen times, but for those inclined to move on to something else for that very reason, this time I mean to be less satirical and considerably more informative.  I am suddenly optimistic that we just might have reached a tipping point in the gun control debate.  There is a lot of information here, but the last five paragraphs are strictly my opinion and certainly not as technically supportive. If you just want to read more qualified material when you reach that point, skip to the link in the second to last paragraph.  All three links in this blog  are very enlightening but long,  so I have tried to provide content abridgment, for the first two anyway, in the interest of time. I think any of you who are up for confronting your state representatives will find much of the following material useful.  

God damn it this pisses me off!  Funeral arrangements were still being made for a few of the 17 people mowed down in the Parkland FL school shooting and the CEO of the NRA is centerstage at the CPAC convention fomenting his venomous brand of propaganda.  Wayne LaPierre is truly pond scum.  And the next day the President of the United States is addressing the same crowd, reenforcing  some of Mr. LaPierre’s talking points.  Just as annoying was how he once again pandered to the audience for the applause he so desperately seeks by rehashing past state electoral victories and telling blatant lies.  However, you would think someone in an advisory capacity would inform him that getting the crowd fired up with chants of “Lock her up” might not be the best idea.  This is the sort of thinking I can’t get my head around.  Sure the sophomoric response from the crowd gives Trump a boner.  But do these people, including Trump, not see the  irony in reacting this way when what Trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of is divulging classified information.  That is exactly what he is guilty of by employing a  White House full of people who have no security clearance.  And likely on the horizon are some serious charges being leveled against him and/or his family by Robert Mueller.  They are just asking for avenging chants of “Lock him up” in 2020, if the president is even still around.

This is where we are in America.  Politics is so polarized people can’t or do not want to reason logically, and the hostility has pervaded society in general.  It’s all just nuts.  Going on and on about all this just makes people sick.  But I have a blog and venting helps me retain my sanity.  To spare you, I will try to narrow the focus of this to just one aspect- our gun culture.  And I will let others with more knowledge of the subject give you detail.  In the interest of time, I will do my best to give a synopsis of the links, because no doubt you don’t have the time to read through all of this.  Come back later and read any of the material if you have places to go.

Particularly outrageous during the CPAC convention was the accusation thrown out by Wayne LaPierre’s accomplice Dana Loesch.  She implied that mainstream media somehow orchestrates mass shootings.  It’s the type of comment that underlines what the NRA does best-  promote conspiracy theories.

    LOESCH                                            LaPIERRE

Doesn’t mind shooting her mouth off                                 Doesn’t mind if you get shot

It was not always this way with the NRA.  Politicizing their agenda is a fairly recent development.  Here is a history of the organization NRA History.  A synopsis of the article is this: The NRA dates back to just after the Civil War.  So upset were two Union officers with the marksmanship they had witnessed  during that conflict they started the organization with the intent of improving the firing efficiency of anyone interested in doing so.  As the years went by the NRA became known for its promotion of safe and proper use of firearms, often supporting the governmental restrictions of their use.  That all changed in 1975 with the creation of the group’s first lobbying arm- the Institute for Legislative Action.

That branch of the NRA progressively took over, and by the mid 1980’s the organization transformed itself from one advocating gun safety, marksmanship and hunting into an uncompromising political institution intolerant of any form of restriction and proping up its position with the ambiguity of the second amendment.

This is an article about how the NRA has manipulated the very cryptic wording of the second amendment. How NRA Rewrote 2nd Amendment.  Synopsis: As late as the mid 1990’s Gallop polling  revealed the majority of the country still wanted stricter gun control laws.  in 1991, Chief Justice Warren Burger said the second amendment was the biggest fraud perpetrated on the American people by special interest groups that he had ever seen.  But as the NRA pounded away at our sensibilities with propaganda and conspiracy theories, and by taking advantage of legal decisions that steadily opened up the spigots of political donations, somehow public opinion started to change.  Whether you are happy with the status quo or fed up with the gun culture of this country, you have the NRA to thank or blame.

The landmark 2008 Supreme Court  “Heller” decision affirmed the right of non-military individuals to possess a firearm for traditional lawful purposes. It’s the NRA’s “go-to” judicial statement they always refer to.  It was one of those 5 to 4 decisions that makes you wonder if the founding fathers got Article Three of the constitution right.  As you might know, originalist Judge Scalia wrote the majority opinion, but what is rarely discussed is his clarification.  When asked if there are restrictions embedded in the Heller decision, he said “What the opinion in Heller said is it will have to be decided in future cases… some limitations (on the right to bear arms) are permissible.”  The right to bear arms he stated, will be decided by what society determines appropriate, and it does not mean individuals have the right to bear all types of arms.

***************************** MY THOUGHTS*************************

Is the Parkland Florida massacre going to finally be the catalyst to initiate limitations?  As a society have we at last had enough tragedy to change our gun culture?  Not if this congress has anything to say about it.  It’s time to start thinking now about making a statement at the ballot box and applying what Judge Scalia was referring to. Yes, enforce current laws and improve access to mental health.  If you think violence and permissiveness are too prevalent in society, watch your damn kids.  Outlawing bump stocks, raising age limits, mandating universal background checks and coordinating  law enforcement reporting are no-brainers.  That’s a good start.  But we need to do more.   It is sickeningly obvious we have too many guns in this country.  We need only to look at every other developed country in the world to see how pathetically we compare regarding gun violence and also to study what they have done to make things better. After reviewing all the mayhem as well as the information at our disposal, it is glaring apparent we can no longer fail to address our assault rifle problem. Ordinary citizens should not be allowed to purchase military assault firearms and large capacity magazines. That is a combination of weaponry that is intended to spray rifle fire and kill human beings.

I once had a semi-automatic hunting rifle.  I enjoyed target shooting with it more than I did hunting.  But when I did hunt I do not ever recall firing more than two rounds at any poor creature I was aiming at.  A hunter does not need a military weapon that is intended to spray bullets and kill other human beings.  If you require a magazine that holds more than six rounds I would argue you should not be in the field tracking an animal.  Any decent hunter will tell you one shot is optimum.  Any more and you ruin a good portion of the meat.  And if you enjoy target shooting like I once did, fine.  By all means it makes sense to hone your skill if you are a responsible gun owner.  But you don’t need an AR-15 for the stimulation.  Get yourself a true hunting or target rifle.  Better yet, a muzzle loader that requires more work than just pulling a trigger.  The exercise will do you some good. And there are way better choices for home defense than an assault rifle. As much as I hate to say it, a hand gun makes far more sense for that.  I am  hopeful future restriction and more severe penalties for illegal use of those things will trickle down from any momentum that initial, positive gun control measures create.

So no more assault rifle sales.  But what about all the assault rifles that are already out there?  My preferred option would be to round them all up and crush them for scrap metal.  But of course that is not feasible.   For those who own one now, logically you should be “grandfathered”.  But if you do own one, it needs to be re-registered in a national data base. Believe it or not there is no such thing in this country. This is the time and this is where to start.  And I believe there should be extremely hefty legal penalties for anyone carrying one around that does not comply with any restrictions that are or will be in place.  And by carrying around I mean transporting to a firing range. That is the only place it should ever be used or publicly viewed.  I can not comprehend how the NRA succeeded in forcing open carry laws down our throats.  Allowing anyone to walk down the street toting an AR-15, or any kind of long rifle, is absurd.  We do not live in a third world country.  As society has suddenly come to grips with predatory sexual violence, we should be just as appalled by this similar form of hyper-masculinity being foisted upon us by the NRA.   I do not know much about assault rifles but if there is a way to add a substantial tax to the ammunition I say do it.  I would personally donate generously to any kind of buy-back program.  There are assault rifle owners out there that are sawing them in half.  I would gladly lend you my reciprocating saw if you are so inclined.

The answer to solving gun violence is not more guns, like the NRA preaches.  If the ridiculous idea of having our teachers packing heat does not expose the sorry state of the pathetic, dysfunctional misanthropy that the NRA has instilled in this country I don’t know what will.  As a country and leader of the free world we should be far better than this.  The conversation has to include banning sales of military weaponry.  Read this for reference if you want some depth on assault rifles: Fuck You I Like Guns  The first civil right of all Americans is to be free of domestic violence.  Corporate America at least is taking a stand.  Thank you First National Bank of Omaha for getting the ball rolling.  And wow!  Thank you Dick’s Sporting Good’s for not stocking assault rifles any longer.

One final word and it is addressed to everyone, but especially those young students that are speaking out.  You are inevitably going to feel frustrated with congressional and presidential leadership that is heartlessly absent.  But your involvement can have a significant impact. The business community is already listening to you.  I was a college student in the 60’s and as a group we were a constant thorn in the side of political leaders, and it made a difference.  I caution you not to go to the extremes of that time.  But tweeting is not enough.  Support political candidates who share your concerns.  Help them and apply voting pressure in any way you can. If you are not old enough to vote, you can still volunteer and speak out. The youth vote in the past has tended to be dismal. Don’t let this moment of opportunity wither away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senator Hatch Ranks the U.S. Presidents

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I was recently in St. George Utah and ran into Orrin Hatch.  It was one of those random things that just happens.  Just a quirky coincidence.  My mother lives in St. George and I was there to pay her a visit.  She had been in the hospital, then in a rehab facility, then after a few days there she ended up right back in the hospital, and then after a couple days she was back in rehab, for a month.  She is 98 years old.  I flew out the day after she was discharged from the rehab facility to help her celebrate the return to her assisted living apartment, and take notes on what I have to look forward to.

My brother and sister were there also.  As a family we like to go all out when we get together, so we took mom to Chuck-O-Rama for dinner.  My brother was wearing an arm sling because he had recently torn a rotator cuff, and we got to comparing our various ailments- my cataract surgery coming up, my sister’s migraines, and we also touched on some of the past and upcoming orthopedic and cardio-vascular surgeries of our spouses as well as our own, the usual dinner table conversation.  And in walks Orrin Hatch!  No kidding.  At Chuck-O-Rama.  Orrin Hatch had recently announced his upcoming retirement, and I suppose he was out celebrating himself.  Go figure!

 Utah Senator Orrin Hatch

All through our meal I kept glancing over at Orrin Hatch.  He was dining at a table not far from ours.  He seemed to be enjoying his pork spare ribs, mashed potatoes and lime jello, which coincidentally were the exact items I had selected from the buffet myself.  I felt that was an indication that we must have some sort of bond, and obviously when he made that statement awhile back about President Trump being the best president in the nation’s history, it was an unintentional mistake.  Likely it was just one of  those off the cuff remarks politicians are prone to make that they later regret.  Maybe the televised video I saw was technologically altered by a political opponent.  They can do that you know.

My curiosity got the best of me and I went over to his table to say hello and then I asked him right off if he really felt President Trump was the best president ever.  At first he sort of hemmed and hawed and really tried his best to avoid giving a definite answer. Well you better know political song and dance like that just doesn’t fly with me.  I had always thought Orrin Hatch was a decent and sensible man, and it just didn’t make sense that he would say anything so stupid as President Trump is the best president ever.  I became insistent that he give me a straight answer.  I don’t put up with vaguery when it comes to important issues.  The country would be way better off if we got these guys to quit with the bull shit is how I feel.

Well he got huffy-like with me and son of a bitch if he didn’t come right out and say yes, President Trump was the best president ever.  I said there was no way he could actually mean that, and he just doubled down and said absolutely President Trump was the best president ever.  I asked him then if Trump is number one in his book, who in the hell made his top ten list- Nixon, Harding, Hoover, Buchanan, who?  He got even more unhinged and said of course not those guys.  His greats were Lincoln, Washington, FDR, Kennedy, and I just cut him off and said he was a real know-nothing asshole if he put that piece of shit Trump in that kind of company.

Orrin Hatch then got all uppity and started yelling at me and said I was the real asshole and told me to go sit down, so naturally I shoved his face into the mashed potatoes on his plate.  It was no big deal.  I mean the gravy wasn’t like, steaming or anything.  But out of nowhere one of his goons started attacking me, swinging away with the handle end of her cane, and that’s when my brother bolted out of his chair and dropped her to the floor with his bad shoulder.  He let out a horrible scream that startled poor mom and she  must have passed out or something because the next thing you know both she and my brother were headed to the hospital in an ambulance and I was being carted off to jail.

So here I am, waiting for my sister to bail me out.  It might be awhile because she felt it was important to follow the ambulance to the hospital and make sure mom was taken care of properly.  She has no idea how bad it sucks in here.  I am sure mom is better off than me.  I am surrounded by hispanics that I imagine are being held for deportation.  That’s not the bad part.  They seem nice enough, but it’s the television programming.  I should say program.  You only get one- Fox News.  Not all my cell-mates can see the TV, but absolutely everyone can hear it.  As some sort of propaganda agenda the people in charge here relentlessly blast Fox News day and night just to make sure all the hispanics understand they are not welcome in Utah.  And of course Fox News cuts with a double edge when it carves into any hispanic brain.  As anyone knows, if you aren’t totally committed or conditioned to it, after a constant 24 hours of Fox News, hispanic or otherwise you are begging to be deported.  Wearing a hair shirt and having someone shove a Louisville Slugger up your ass while you’re being waterboarded is more humane.

So I’ve got some time on my hands to prepare my defense.  I have to do this all in my head since they won’t give me a pen to write with, but I’m pretty sharp and remember stuff that you might fuck up and forget.  But in this case there is really not a whole lot of memory work involved.  Here is Orrin Hatch’s top five list of U.S. presidents:

  5. PRESIDENT- John F. Kennedy       IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-   Faced down Russia during Cuban missile crisis and avoided nuclear war     FAMOUS QUOTE:  Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country.

  4. PRESIDENT- Franklin D. Roosevelt     IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Was elected unprecedented four times and steered country through the Great Depression and WW Two    FAMOUS QUOTE:  The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

  3. PRESIDENT- George Washington   IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS-  Revolutionary war hero and father of country and established many forms of government that survive today    FAMOUS QUOTE:  If freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter

  2.  PRESIDENT- Abraham Lincoln    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Abolished slavery and led Union to victory in the American Civil War    FAMOUS QUOTE:  Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth

  1. PRESIDENT- Donald J. Trump    IMPORTANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS- Signed tax bill that added a staggering 1.5 trillion dollars to national debt and significantly widened wealth inequality in the U.S.  Eliminated regulations that had previously restricted gun sales to the mentally incompetent as well as many that prevented corporate environmental pollution and financial industry malfeasance   FAMOUS QUOTE:  Grab ’em by the pussy

It’s pretty black and white.  This evidence is so damning if Orrin Hatch thinks he can pull a fast one with some flimsy charges against me he’s going to get laughed right out of the courtroom.

HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY!

 

HELP! YOUR CONTRIBUTION IS URGENTLY NEEDED!

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To all our fellow, loyal Republican friends:

As you might have heard, President Trump has placed the Pentagon on red alert and asked the people in charge over there to fast track a mobilization of tanks, missile launchers, heavy artillery, soldiers of every stripe and division, all active military bands and choral groups, along with coteries of the nations best high school baton twirlers, and a contingent of unemployed circus animals, and get it all strapped together and organized so the whole conglomeration can put on a nice performance and amuse him with a parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Well that would be just fine except that the stingy Freedom Caucus is getting all uptight and has refused to appropriate funding for the proposed gala event.  Those guys have their shorts in a bunch and say it’s just too expensive.  For some reason they think the gathering of an immense assortment of soldiers only to have them do nothing but march around is a big waste of time and tax dollars.  I say anything we can do to get them ready to march into Pyongyang is worth the effort.  Then they’re whining about having to resurface the streets of DC after all the tank traffic clears out. Tax dollars again.  That’s all they think about.  And they consider it to be unfair to have city sanitation workers sweep up all the elephant and tiger shit, mostly because it will be extra heavy  with all the chewed up concrete it will be entangled with.  I say without hard work nothing grows but weeds.

So that’s what we are dealing with.  Believe me you don’t want to be around when the president doesn’t get what he wants.  I don’t know how much longer housekeeping will put up with all the clean up that is required after one of his little outbursts.  I am being paid to think things through and come up with solutions.  So this is what I propose.

I know President Trump well, so I am aware a nice parade involving our military would be spectacular and his first preference.  But taking into consideration how tight fisted congress is, even though we all know this time next year the new corporate tax cuts will fill treasury department  coffers with money we won’t know what to do with, I really think we just might be able to make him happy with something a little less flamboyant.  Mardi Gras is just around the corner.  All we need to do is get him to New Orleans for the parade down there.  I know some of you think this fixation of his on a military parade pivots around all the show-offy stuff  Kim Jong-un does with his military extravaganzas, but I know for a fact it has little to do with that and everything to do with that damn Macron.

This obsession of his all started after his visit to France last year.  President Trump got all ginned up with his parade ideas after Macron pranced his soldiers down the Avenue des Champs-Elysees in front of our president. Macron knew damn well something so pompously shiny was bound to start the wheels turning in President Trump’s head.  To top it off, Ivanka got all google-eyed over Macron and that kind of thing just gets president Trump all in a stew.

Anyway, as everyone knows, quite a bit of froggy stuff goes on during Mardi Gras.  When their parade starts, we just need to get the president out on one of those French Quarter balconies so people can wave to him as they go by.  I know he’ll really like that.  I was down there a few years back and I can tell you it’s a pretty rowdy crowd.  Of course a lot of the cheering will be for the gals standing on the balcony across the street that take their tops off, but I can’t think of a better distraction for the president to dwell on.  He’ll be happy as a clam.

Now here’s the tricky part I need your help with.  You’ve probably heard Melania is not too happy with her husband.  She’s not about to fly with him to New Orleans or anywhere else she doesn’t have to, probably for quite awhile.  Maybe forever.  Believe me she is really pissed.  And there’s the rub.  All the naked jiggling and shaking of this and that is bound to get the president and his tic-tac container all shook up.  I’ve contacted Stormy Daniels, and she says she’s one hundred percent on board to take care of things, but apparently she’s wised up a bit and won’t settle for a measly $130,000.  The going rate now is a cool million, so that’s what we have to come up with.

Won’t you please, please PLEASE help.  I don’t like this getting out, but I’m the one that flies under the radar and makes sure all things run smoothly.  Trust me.  This will work.  It’s got to.  You don’t know what it’s like when he gets mad.  But we have to act fast.  Really fast.  Mardi Gras is next week. I’m begging you. I can’t believe my boss stuck me with this job.   Please find it in your heart to give a generous donation.  Or anything.

__DONATE $1000     __ DONATE $500     __DONATE $100     __DONATE An Even Larger Amount

__I cannot donate at this time because I am an unpatriotic asshole

Sincerely:     Ken Groveling,  Junior Advisor to Senior Advisor Stephen Miller

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If you are truly pissed about the direction of our country, bitch to your congress person.  Look up their phone numbers.  This is bull shit.  Ask these people one simple question:  Taking into account all the important needs of our nation, in your opinion is it better to spend seventeen million dollars on:

A) a parade.                                                                                                                                                   B)  almost anything else a normal human brain is capable of imagining.

This is getting ridiculous.  Democracy is crumbling before our eyes.  It has never been more important to take the time to vote.  It is no longer appropriate to acknowledge it as just a privilege.  It has now become a civic imperative.

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Ministers, Secretaries and Wishful Thinking

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I don’t know if you’ve heard, but  British Prime Minister Theresa May has created a new governmental position that is called  the “Minister of Loneliness.”  No lie.  And according to recent polling there, the appointment is not without warrant.  I guess there are a lot of lonely people in Britain.  Older people, disabled people, citizens who are unable to deal with Brexit, people still trying to get over losing the Second Boer War- they’re all  reported to be especially vulnerable and having a very difficult time with their upper lips and I suppose whatever else they like to keep stiff over there.  You certainly have to hope the new appointee can get to the bottom of it all.

Newly Appointed Minister of Loneliness

I do wonder about the official title though.  Shouldn’t it be the Minister of Happiness?   If you work for the government, your title should be what you are supposed to be doing, what you should be good at to help citizens out, not the opposite.  I mean they call their justice department the Ministry of Justice.  It’s not the opposite.  It’s not the Ministry of Injustice.   The Ministry of Defense does defense stuff, not offense stuff. Great Britain is a democracy for Pete’s sake. That minister is not out there blowing shit up just for the heck of it.  You certainly don’t want your Lord of the Treasury tossing money out of a window of the Parliament building or purchasing non existent bridges.  And so you don’t want people in this new department knocking on doors to make sure people stay lonely.  You should be doing your best to make people happy.  Minister of Happiness.  That’s really what the job is all about.  I think  Prime Minister May should pull her head out of her ass.

Criticism asside, I do like where Theresa May is trying to go with this though.  We could probably stand a Secretary of Happiness over here. So many  people I know are just plain glum these days.  It’s a trend that’s difficult to ignore.  What I think would be even better in the way of a new governmental position in the U.S. though is a Secretary of Truth.  Think about it.  The reason people are so despondent is we’re sick and tired of all the bull shit.  It just wears you out.  Makes you unhappy.  And pissed off.  A Secretary of Truth could solve a lot of problems.  It would take care of loneliness, anger, confusion, so many things. I am sure the entire country would be grateful.

LEFT: perfect candidate for Secretary of Truth

While we’re at it, how about a Director of Congressional Syncophants and a Supervisor of Obstructionists to investigations of Foreign Attacks.   If those guys do their jobs right we could collect all the ass kissers and the treasonous, and treat them to a nice meal- on one of those big boats you see that’s been mothballed and is really more of a floating restaurant.  Then as this governmental gathering is distracted by an evening of dining and drinking, we can tow this restaurant-ship far out to sea.  And then send a navy destroyer out there to blow it up.  And any aircraft carrier in the vicinity could send out a squadron of F-18’s to strafe and bomb whatever is left.  Might as well get a nuclear submarine involved and have it torpedo anything resembling a large remnant of the vessel as it sinks.  Just to make sure. That would be just the ticket to get the county headed in the right direction.  It would make me happy too.

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Seriously, what keeps getting lost in all the tweeting and furtive activity is the fact that our country has been attacked!  Furthermore, after an entire year in office our president has shown no interest in performing his primary, sacred duty to protect the people and our democracy from this type of foreign intrusion. And for reasons I do not understand, instead of responsibly enacting  their constitutional duty to check executive dereliction and abuse of power, several members of congress have shown nothing but contempt for citizenry by obstructing practically any type of investigation into this destructive foreign activity.  We need to put a stop to all this nonsense.  Call your members of congress and complain, and most importantly, store up your anger and utilize it in November.

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Women’s March

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I attended my first Women’s March the other day.  I am happy to report these gals seem to know what they’re doing.  Something I just thought of.  If you’re interested in that sort of thing I would have to think that’s just the place to meet women.  But frankly I wasn’t so much interested in the ladies as I was in their clever signs.

I met up with some regular friends of mine who like me probably didn’t have much going on that day.  I have some irregular friends too, but they’re not inclined  push through something that smacks of commitment.  If you happen to know anything about our particular group that gathered for the march, I think you would conclude we are fairly close knit, in that we tend to think a lot alike on many issues.  Women’s rights is certainly one we all feel is important to support. And so there we were,  I think the idea being there is strength in numbers.  By that I don’t mean our numbers were that impactful in the way of improving the overall numbers of the march.  The strength of having numbers within our little group was that if one of us should happen to stumble there might be enough of our numbers to rescue the unfortunate before being trampled to death.

I would guess our march was typical of any other organized march.  First, all of the marchers converged to a gathering point to listen  to some inspirational rhetoric supplied by a few speakers.  A middle-aged woman of Puerto Rican decent was the first to address us.  I thought she hit the mark with pertinent points- equal pay, get out the vote, love thy neighbor, the usual stuff I think you hear at a women’s march. Her speech seemed a little on the long side, but there was no shortage of applause throughout it’s entirety and overall I thought she graded out pretty well- at least the half of her speech that was in English.  Unfortunaelty there was a second half, which as far as I could tell was a complete reproduction of the first half, only in Spanish.

Applause for the second half was, to put it mildly, a little sparse. I felt sorry for the speaker after a point.  I wanted to applaud.  I am sure my friends also wanted to applaud.  But about all we could accomplish were confused looks at one another, which if they could somehow be interpreted in Spanish said, “What in the hell is going on here.” I have to admit the march started to take a bit of a turn for me.  But a lot of that had to do with my feet.  They were really not cooperating.  I know that was my bad.  The shoes I had selected to wear during the march were not constructed to march over any kind of surface not covered in carpet with extra thick padding.  And then there was the annoying drone hovering directly above us. I was reasonably sure what I saw was an attached camera, but what if it was a canister of toxic nerve gas?  It would be so Trumpian to take the easy way and eliminate  8000 opposition votes instantaneously rather than instituting time honored but tedious traditions of gerrymandering and redistricting.

As  I said I was there for the signs, and honorable mention went to the sign that stated “I’ve seen better cabinets at Ikea.”  I guess you would  have to say that sign scored first place as well, in that it was the only sign any of the speakers mentioned, period.  You could see the look of disappointment on the faces of a number of sign carriers when it became apparent their signs were not about to be recognized.  To be honest with you the Ikea entry didn’t impress me.  The statement was clever enough, but you should have seen the drawing that accompanied it.  I believe what its creator was attempting to convey was the picture of a kitchen cabinet, but all it was was a frantic scribbling in brown magic marker with no involvement of discernible straight lines anywhere and two yellow circles that I guess were supposed to be knobs of some kind.  What it presented in my mind was a reasonable rendering of the face of Sasquatch.

For me, the winner of my imaginary sign contest was the one that stated “I can do anything you can do and do it bleeding.”  Not only did that thing make a bold gender-based statement that captured the essence of the march, but the solid red background was almost intimidating.  Frankly it scared the hell out of me.

I have to tell you a sense of relief overwhelmed me  when we finally got the word it was time to actually start marching, and I am pretty sure my peers in my group of marching friends had the same sentiment.   If I remember right, nearly every one of us were propped up with joints of an artificial nature, or have orthopedic surgery scheduled on the near horizon. If there is one thing I took away from the march, it’s there is no sitting in marching.

Off we went, ever careful not to step on each others heals and doing our best to appear not to be hobbled in any way.  As we marched along I become fixated on a sign carried by a marcher ahead of me.  There were lots of signs, and this particular one would disappear from time to time behind another.  The words on this sign that held my attention were, “Fuck as feminists.”  It was totally confusing to me.  Equally mysterious was the drawing underneath, which I think most would say amounted to a giant green apostrophe.  I just couldn’t help wondering what that sign was all about.  To me it would have made some sense if the word “for” was subbed in for the word “as”.  I mean then you might possibly be promoting some kind of cause.  I’m sure there are people out there who could get behind that sort of thing.  “As” just didn’t cut it for me.  It threw the whole thing off.

We made a left turn onto a street of paving brick, and if you know anything about that type of surface you know you have to pay attention to where you are walking.  There are dips and elevations that can be treacherous.  Between that and avoiding other people’s feet I decided it was time to bail.  We came up on the cross street my car was parked on and with my first open opportunity I weaved through the crowd and worked my way to safety.

With the sweet comfort of my vehicle in view I finally started to relax.  Overall I was impressed with the turnout, felt the march achieved its intent, and happy I participated.  I have to admit I wasn’t so happy with the parking ticket mocking me from underneath the windshield wiper of my car.  It was a reminder from the traffic department that two hours is not enough time to commit to a Women’s March.  I will remember that next time, and be sure to tell whoever I designate as my proxy to keep that in mind as well.