Almost overnight EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt took over first place in the Trump Cabinet Corruption competition.  Sweepstakes chairman Fred Diddly indicated the revelations in the past few days were unprecedented and impressed everyone on the review panel.  “You gotta hand it to Scott.  He took paranoia to another level with all the security he thinks he requires. Four million tax dollars and it’s only April.  I don’t know how he ever got the government to pay for his 20 member security team when he went to Morocco, especially when you consider the only thing he discussed  there was American natural gas, which has nothing to do with his department.  You have to admit the guy’s got hutspa.   The graft involved in the condo rental from a congessional lobbyist was striking in itself, but for me what put him over the top was that thing where he has his personal chauffeur blast an emergency vehicle siren in order to work his massive security entourage through DC traffic so he can get to his favorite restaurant in a timely manor. The man might be in a league of his own,” Mr. Diddly asserted.

Left: Secretary Pruitt explaining to the sweepstakes panel the level of corruption he feels he has accomplished so far

When asked to comment, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, who is now in second place, did not seem concerned.  “Look, you all know what I am capable of.  I don’t think spending $139,000 on office doors is something you can thumb your nose at.  I move the ball in big chunks.  It won’t take me long to catch up.”

Treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin could not be reached for comment, but the review panel universally agreed he has to be worried now.  Mnuchin, who for a short time occupied the top spot, has got to feel the honor is slipping out of reach.  Outlandish travel expenses and standing with your wife on an airport tarmac flaunting your elite status seems very unoriginal in light of what Secretary Pruitt has accomplished.  There are rumblings that he could fall all the way back to fifth, behind Secretaries DeVos and Carson.

And what is up with those two?  Stuck in a tie now for fourth, neither seems willing to go on the offensive.  The panel’s predominant thinking is HUD Secretary Carson could be flailing.  Canceling the $30,000 dining table purchase for his office showed the pressure might just be too much for him.  However there is a report circulating that Secretary Carson might be thinking about a comeback by engaging in flagrant nepotism once again. Involving his son Ben Jr. or possibly other relatives in agency programs might be something that could boost the secretary’s standings.

The problem with Education Secretary DeVos is how the panel interprets corruption.  Yes, the two hundred million dollar family donations to the Republican party over the years opened the appointment door for her, but what has she done lately?  The sweepstakes panel is reluctant to categorize mind-boggling stupidity and fleecing public schools and shortchanging American students as corruption.  However, Mr. Diddly was quick to point out the conflicts of interest charges still swirling about Betsy.  The  education department’s ties to a DeVos investment firm that provides student loans is keeping her solidly in the running.  “I believe when she deregulated student loan companies, Secretary DeVos put herself in a strong competitive position.  The potential for profiteering here by the DeVos’s is encouraging,” said Mr. Diddly.

Ever alert to what happened to HHS Secretary Tom Price before he could complete his round of corruption,  it has been reported that both secretaries Pruitt and Zinke are ready to throw caution to the wind and score as many points as possible.  Zenke, emboldened by his move that slashed the acreage of two national monuments in Utah in half in order to clear the area for mining, is considering opening up a large swath of Yellowstone Park to oil and gas exploration.  Not to be outdone, secretary Pruitt has given all U.S. paint manufacturers approval to produce miniature cans of lead-based paint in colors black and orange and market them for Halloween hand-outs, and has a plan to replace all the playground sand in Oklahoma city parks with granular Dursban.

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