Citing an ambiguous 1977 economic emergency act, President Trump issued an edict   demanding U.S. companies move out of China and urged them to return to the United States. “We don’t need China, and we’re  far better off without them,” the president tweeted.    When asked how quickly he thought he could move his Chinese golf cap, neck tie and travel mug manufacturing back to the United States, the president disdainfully replied, “The president can just kiss my ass.  The president of the United States can not tell the president of the United States what to do.  You can’t just pull out of country on a whim. There’s equipment to move, arrangement have to be made for raw materials, and with Chinese  labor I make much more money than I can employing American workers, believe me.  The president should know this demand  is something that the president should never realistically be expected to obey.”

President Trump perceptively pointed out that regardless he was sure that there was  some other obscure law he could enforce that would prohibit him from going to all that trouble.

Leaving no stone unturned in his quest to make America great again, President Trump has announced he is taking a hard look at the animals listed in the Endangered Species Act.  In a brief conversation with reporters from the grounds of his New Jersey golf course, the president indicated that it was time to stop coddling so many members of the animal kingdom.   “We have to do something,” the president said.  “You look around and you see all these wild animals holding up progress and squatting on land that has precious oil reserves. What do they do for us?   There aren’t many wild animals contributing anything to this country, believe me.”

When one reporter challenged his interpretation of progress and contribution, the president was quick to point out that in many places there aren’t many wild animals around anymore anyway.  “Look at wolves.  They’re disappearing.  It’s like they’ve given up.  There are winners and losers.  What would you rather have anyway-  a hand-full of slimy otters or a mile long train-load of  beautiful, clean coal.  Beavers haven’t given us anything  since felted hats. And let’s say you’re building a big, beautiful golf corse and then all of a sudden you can’t complete the 36th fairway because of some stupid eagle’s nest.  Give me a break!”

EPA Administrator Andrew Wheeler defended the president’s position.  He bluntly stated that  animals just are not pulling their weight.  “Wild animals are becoming a nuisance.  It only makes sense to establish something like the ‘public charge’ standards that we’re doing with immigration.  We let these wild animals roam around, a lot of them going into places they’re not wanted, eating our nuts and berries, even vandalizing property and dumping over garbage cans.  Pretty ungrateful if you ask me.”

Alabama native Herb Grunk says he can’t wait to attend President Trump’s “Salute to America” 4th of July Celebration in DC next month.  ” I just hope he brings up Hillary’s e-mails right quick.  That’s always a crowd pleaser,” Grunk said.  He seemed  confident breaking out the usual boisterous calls to incarcerate the former Secretary of State as well as  espousing deafening declarations concerning the suction proclivity of both CNN and AOC would provide a nice supplemental form of entertainment to the more traditional pyrotechnics.   Lady Liberty may never be more confused.

So set aside your sparklers and bottle rockets everyone.  Its time for pitchforks and torches, as frequent MAGA rally attendee and former sheriff David Clarke is fond of saying.  This will be a different kind of 4th of July.  But then, presently  this is a different kind of America.

Politicizing Independence Day did not work out so well the one other time it was tried.  Crowd enthusiasm for President Nixon’s 4th of July “Honor America Day” in 1970, was inconveniently dampened by irritating clouds of  of police tear gas.  History does have a way of repeating itself.  

The poll of Trump supporters that was taken two days ago to asses the impact the Mueller report had on their opinions revealed some noteworthy findings.  In particular it indicated that many were stunned by the inconsistent results the president has had in carrying out acts of obstruction.  Typical of exit polling remarks were those of Herbert Gliterman.  “I have to admit the report left me a little disappointed.  We all know what a great lier he is.  Nobody comes close.  Sure he can get friends and family to lie right along with him. But I just don’t understand how he can’t seem to get the really important people around him to lie too.  What kind of leadership is that?”  Gliterman (pictured) placed some of the blame for Trump’s failings on what he called “tight-assed m*****f*****s,” a term his wife  later explained was Mr. Gliterman’s way of describing traditional Washington bureaucrats.

Pollsters reported there is one other finding that stood out.  Many people seem conflicted about the revelation that President Trump could not supply an answer to 37 of the written interview questions that he was asked to submit to Mueller investigators. “I’m a little concerned,” said  poll participant Margie Netherbottom.  “That’s not like him.  Everyone knows what a great memory he has.  He mentions that at almost every rally.  And the best brain.  He has a dynamite brain.  He’s out there commenting about his fantastic brain all the time.  I certainly hope he’s all right.”

Others, like Paul Wintermunster, had a different point of view.  “Don’t let all the preposterously unbelievable number of unanswered questions fool you.  That all just shows what a genius the man is.  He’s the deal maker.  He sets the rules.  I mean It’s not like he was under oath.  And even if he was, who cares?”

President Trump responded to the negative polling fallout  later in the day.  It read,  “Who knew obstruction pf justice could be so hard.”