DHS Identifies Weapon Weilded by Alex Pretti

This afternoon DHS Secretary Kristi Noem  held a 10 minute press conference addressing the criticism surrounding the shooting death of Minneapolis resident Alex Pretti by Border Patrol agents.  She and Border Patrol chief Greg Bovino have been under fire for claiming Mr. Pretti was brandishing a semi-automatic pistol when bystander video clearly shows he was holding a cell phone, as well as for failure to follow normal crime scene security.

Secretary Noem assured the reporters that her department has possession of the weapon and it is in a secured location..  As proof she revealed a photograph of  it on a video board and identified it as a semiautomatic 9mm iPhone 15 Pro Max with a 20 round magazine.  Noam said going forward all cell phones will be considered an eminent threat to the lives of immigration officers as well as a security risk of revealing their heterodox operational tactics.  “An officer has no idea  if a phone is a regular phone or a 9mm iPhone,” she stated.  “From now on if you go around brandishing a cell phone, any phone, rest assured you will suffer the consequences, anywhere up to a couple dozen of them, possibly in the back while you are face down on the ground.”  Noam explained that the training of all immigration officers is intense and thorough and left the room displaying the department’s updated service motto on the video board: Assume the worst, fire first.

Semiautomatic 9mm iPhone 15 Pro Max with 20 round magazine

 

Wandering Through Trump’s Wonderland

I think I’m starting to lose it.  It’s Trump.  My psyche is constantly  battered by his narcisistic cruelty and lawlessness.  I think I am experiencing some version of Alice in Wonderland syndrome.  How can one man be fucking the country over so badly and get by with it?   More dumbfoundedly, not only is no one doing anything about it, but by exploiting practically every legal loophole and skirting observed social norms, he has enriched himslf and family beyond the dreams of avarice.  I don’t understand.  How is this happening?

Start with the insurrection of January 6th 2021.  It is so well known that we just refer to the entire  day of carnage as Jan 6.  It is so well known because almost everyone in the country witnessed what happened with their own eyes.  And yet Trump, forever aware of his involvement and wish to do everything he can to make people forget about what really happened, produced a dedicated false narrative page on the White House website this past Jan 6 that is an insulting indignity to our logically inclined population, to reality, and especially to the police officers who defended the Capitol Building that day.  How can something like this be allowed?  It’s reality so distorted it distorts your own sense of reality.  Leave me alone Alice.

Then there’s the thing with Venezuela.  I dont know if you’ve noticed, but Trump has an almost romantic relationship with power.  And explosions. We caught and kidnapped a very terrible person.  Congrats to to our military.   A job well done indeed.  And that is part of the problem with Trump.  He just can’t get enough of displaying this country’s military might.  His birthday military parade was sort of a fizzle, but buster bombing Iran was a libido triggering orgasm.  What is particularly alarming, is he uses service men to amuse himself.  His quote on Fox News right after Maduro’s capture: “I watched it, literally, like I was watching a television show.  And if you would have seen the speed, the violence.”  The man is pathologically fascinated by explosions.  Anytime Hegseth blows up some shit he is immediately on speed dial with the president so he can watch. Trump’s version of Viagra. Television is the Mad Hatter’s bedroom.

A day after the Maduro kidnapping while he is flying around on Air Force One, Trump is conducting a press gaggle that is video taped, and boldly admits to a reporter that America’s oil company execs knew all about the Venezuelan incursion both before and after it took place.  This is quite the reveal, since he never bothered to consult with congress about the matter.  It’s another of those contempts of constitutional order that he seems proud to flaunt. and once again reminds the nation Trump’s authoritarian oligarcy will place the interests of of his billionaire cronies before those of the representatives of the general public.  Just as galling, it showed he  is more than willing to use  our service members to move forward the interests of his doners.  It’s another Trump maneuver that induces a brain contortion .  It’s bad, but not quite Wonderland bad.  That happens when Lindsey Graham’s head appears during the video.  His face is level with Trump’s armpit, and he is inordinately giddy.  Is it Trump’s deodorant?  It’s hard to say.  Nonetheless he is  dripping with subservient admiration and smiling like, that’s right, a Cheshire cat.  Then there are two Chesire cats, because Howard Ludnick all of a sudden appears in the footage, grinning from ear to ear.  There they are, the two of them snickering and giggling like a couple of teenagers hiding behind a thick hedge watching a man come out of his house and stomp away at a paper bag full of cat shit they ignited on the guys front porch.

I can’t get that imagage out of my head.  There’s Ludnik, a swell guy currently  promoting deregulation of the cryptocurrency market.  But Linsey Graham is the ultimate Cheshire.  Immediately after Jan 6 he stood on the Senate floor and denounced Trump for what he had caused.  Like the Cheshire Cat, he called out the madness of the Mad Hatter.   But just a few days later he became a profound character in my private upside down world by unexpicitly reversing course and ultimately becoming an avid supporter and protector of the mad man.

And now performing inside my Wonderland are images of a murder of a woman in Minneapolis by an ICE agent.  What makes this so perfectly Wonderland  is the woman was white.  The Mad Hatter’s plan to make America white again is now maddeningly inside out.  Whiteness protects you no longer.  Entering on stage is my Wonderland March Hare, Kristi Noem, replacing her sheik shortstop look with urban cowboy.   The hat is way too big, I think.  Instead of a cowboy vibe I am getting that of a football player wearing a helmet with one of those thick Guardian Caps attached to reduce concussion risk.  Like the Hare in the Wonderland story, she is as mad as the Hatter, or at the very least a psychopathic ass kisser, and she’s doing her best to prop up Trump’s policy of public safety for white people.  Without any pertinent background she tries to paint the dead woman as a terrorist and her trigger happy employee as a hero.  This is what happens in Wonderland.  Black is white.  Once again we can see with our own eyes what really happened.  There is cell phone video of the entire incident, from several angles, that proves the things Noem is saying are lies.  And the Mad Hatter himself gets involved, repeating Noem’s alternate version of reality in a social media post, and tops it with a blatant lie about the ICE agent ending up in the hospital.  That did not happen.  But in Wonderland it did.  And the Mad Hatter demands you believe him.  And unfortunately the inhabitants of the MAGA universe will.  That is the one defining, terrifying fact that constantly haunts my Wonderland.

Wonderland is not a wonderful place.  It is a domain where facts do not matter, where  corruption is not only constant, but astonishingly acceptable.  It is the relm of the greedy, a governmental administration conducted by oligarchic kleptocrats who keep screwing the people they are supposed to be serving while enriching themselves.  It is the land of liars, none more accomplished than  the Mad Hatter Trump, promising to reveal his taxes, lower food prices, lower inflation, reduce energy and housing costs.  None of that has been fulfilled.  He promised to end the Ukraine war that still rages on, and it’s hard to give him credit for solving the Gaza problem when conflict is still ongoing, as it is in at least three of the other wars he supposedly solved.  And with the Venezuala mess we might be getting right back into another engagement that by now we should understand without proper forethought will become another one that might be excruciatingly prolonged.  Another campaign promise cast aside.  Yes, give him credit for controlling imigrant border crossings, but his current ruthless immigration deportation policy is not publically supported, and now with a federal agent murdering a woman in Minneapolis we will be lucky if we don’t have another George Floyd revolt on the horizon.

My personal Wonderland is also a world of Trump’s imagination.  He insists  Argentina is in possesion of  America’s oil.  That must assume there is some kind of reverse migration going on, like Argentina has engineered a fantasitic pipeline that snakes underground, crosses into the United States and sucks up our oil.  Remarkable.  Trump is the perfect Mad Hatter, in and out of Wonderland.  His nonsensical conversations and disjointed social media posts are classic Mad Hatter and his eccentric attraction to, and implementation of everything gold and garish  is  luminously Mad Hatter. How far will Trump take us into Wonderland?  It would seem his Donroe version of the Monroe Doctrine has the country charted for very undemocratic waters. Having evicerated domestic norms and laws, now he is focused on abusing common international law.  If his recent doctrinal  belief that might makes right does not produces more mind bending pseudo-phychedelic chaos, we are at least headed for some that is very Orwellian.  According to Trump, major world powers should stick to their own lane, then everything is fine.  What he is suggesting is the three countries considered to be the worlds most powerful,  inflict whatever hegemony they want as long as they stay reasonably within their own sphere of influence.  Instead of  1984’s Oceana, Eurasia and Eastasia, we will have the U.S., Russia, and China incorporating one sovereign territory after another, and like the novel, maybe continuous war with one or the other over any disputed boundary .  Look out Cuba and Colombia.

The Mad Hatter’s fixation of a Greenland take over is insane.  A cold war aggreement allows the U.S. to establish any number of military bases it desires.  But as always in dealing with the ruler of our Wonderland, we should always expect the unexpected.  It is one of Trumps tricks of survival.  Distract and deflect.  And of coures deny. Epstein files and Jan 6- lie or invade another county to change the public’s focus.  A mysterious explosion leveling the building where the Epstein files are stored would not surprise.

Stock up the liquor cabinet, because forthcoming from Trump will be more of the same Mad Hatterness. In a recent Times interview he confoundingly stated he doesn’t need international law and the only limit to his power is his own morality. WTF! This coming from the man tortuously obsessed with making sure the Epstein files never see the light of day. In upcoming months be prepared for  many more hallucinogenic whiffs from the Mad Hatter’s bong.  Expect more discarding norms and flaunting the law, gutting financial and environmental regulations, insulting the famlies of dead people, promoting stuff you never dreamed could be grifted, more garish gold and haphazard White House demolition, pay to play schemes that skirt all known legal authority as well as pay for pardons.  With enough cash any Charles Manson type out there has a shot at freedom.  And you can definitely count on more shady shenanigans with cryptocurrency.  Already in the works is a proposal to mainstream  the Trump family crypto business with a banking license.  The Mad Hatter has redacted the constitutional emoluments clause for all intents and purposes.  Wonderland never stops confusing.

Somewhere in my personal Wonderland there is a football field.  Instead of white, the side and yard line markers are all blazing lines of gold.  On the sideline stands coach Lindsey Graham, with clip board in hand, a shit eating grin plastered over his face.  And lined up on the offensive line  at  wide receiver is Kristi Noam, wearing a helmet with a double thick Guardian Cap to protect her extra long, free flowing hair extensions.  I never know how she does, or the outcome of the game, because at the snap of the ball I am jolted out of my sleep.  I shuffle off to the bathroom to pee.  The night’s slumber is over.  For the rest of the early morning I will be wondering about Wonderland.  Through consciousness and sleep, Wonderland exists in every dimension.  Alice.  Make it go away.  I am tired.

 

 

 

 

“Merry Christmas” from a Radical Left Scum

In case you are not aware, maybe you like to disassociate yourself from the abuse of political hate mongering on this day that is traditionally considered to be one of our holiest, a day for peace and joy and football, the president of the United States has sent all of us a Truth Social Merry Christmas wish.  That’s right.  All of us.  Even, as his post continued, the radical left scum.  Appropriate for the season, I guess he is in forgiving mode, despite some confusion.  I mean he is wishing radical left scum a Merry Christmas.  That’s kind of nice of him, in that it is a wish for a merry Christmas, even though he thinks the nation is harboring some people who are scum and it is the domain of the radical left.  I don’t consider myself to be radical, and really, I think you would have to label me centrist, maybe even centrist right.  In theory I guess I am not included in the scum category.  So, also nice.  But I am also pretty sure he would not like me if he met me,  because I think he is a loudmouth degenerate prick.

That’s for starters.  To me there seems to be something wrong with him up in the old bell tower.  He is old.  He does tend to nod off right in the middle of meetings and such.  But hell, I’m just a year younger than he is and will admit I am a fitful sleeper, but if I was still working I am pretty sure if my job required I pay attention to proceedings I could at least accomplish that.  It’s the disjointed rantings that are the big reveal as far as I am concerned.  Whether it happens during his rally blovations or social media tirades, that stuff is just not normal.  Especially for someone who is supposed to be the leader of the nation.  So much of it is outright bullshit,  insulting and racial disparagement, or just plain crazy nonsense.

OK.  There’s more.  He has turned the Oval Office into a money making machine for him and his family.  Pay to play should be incorporated into his official presidential seal.  Jesus Christ I can’t believe all the grifting.  All the tacky shit he hawks, the political fund scams, presidential pardons for donors, emoluments violations left and right, including a half billion dollar “gift” from the Saudis that is actually nothing more than a vailed bribe and will cost American taxpayers a billion dollars to securely retrofit.  And don’t get me started on crypto.  That stuff has easily vaulted him into the league of multi-billionaires, and perfectly so for a grifting self centered narcicist- through a currency transaction system rank with money laundering, cybercrime, proliferate scams that is highly volatile and can very well  provide investors with nothing but significant finacial ruin.  He has already taken advantage of people with his meme coins. As the issuer, he can’t lose, but many unfortunate purchasers have taken it in the shorts.

It’s all about him, it will always be all about him and sadly congresss is willing to grant him his all.  What’s worse, he has managed to eliminate most of the combersome oversight of his scheming ambitions.  Government inspectors general have been eliminated or replaced with loyalists. And many of his cronies and cabinet members are extremely happy  scooping up the spoils he generously rewards them with for that loyalty.

And now he can’t seem to get enough of blowing shit up or conducting demolition parties.  Goodbye East Wing and the Lincoln suite bathroom.  Hello gaudy White House gold medalions and embelishments that jolt the eyeballs.  Paradoxily, he can not restrain himself from plastering his name on anything in his field of vision, conduct much like many members of the animal kingdom performing ritualistic urine marking.  WTF!

A lot of this seems to be machinations to keep everyone distracted from the looming fallout of the Epstein files.  To keep pushing his justice department cronies to stonewall the file’s release as much as it has surley indicates there is something far worse for Trump embeded within them than the criticism endured for stalling.   Will we ever get to see the totality of the material?  Will there be a very opportunistic explosion leveling the building that houses the documents?  Was Epstein murdered?

Who knows at this point.  Trump is one lucky son of a bitch.  His repulsive narcissistic, amoral, racial, misgynisitc conduct somehow does not bother much of American society.  I have never understood that.  Because he is rich and powerful, he has escaped legal consequences for his actions, a product of our two tiered judicial system of due prosess  that favors those with means and is denied the less fortunate.  There is rumoring among congressional members heavily involved in the Epstein drama suggesting it will bring the ultimate end to Trumpism.  I’ll believe it when I see it.

Remember, merry is just another word for shit-faced, and staying merry has propelled us   through the Trump administrations.  So Merry Christmas to all, especailly to my fellow scum dwellers, and hopeful dreams of returning sanity in the coming year.

 

 

 

 

Peace Prize Winner Offers to Concede the Award to Trump

It has emerged that Maria Corina Machado, the Venezualan opposition leader who is the 2025 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, has proposed an unusual offering regarding her award.  Ms. Machado, who has been living in hiding for nearly a year because of politial death threats, will not attend the upcoming  award ceremony due to the ongoing security issues.  However, if all parties agree, she said she is willing to confer the award to President Trump on the condition that he go into hiding for the rest of his life.  In a statement today Nobel Institute Director Kristian Berg Harpviken said after much consideration he would approve the unconventional proposition.  “I honestly believe that the majority of our world leaders, and frankly all of humanity, feels that the president most definitely deserves to receive the award if he would step away from every aspect of governing and public life for the remainder of his time on earth.  It seems difficult to argue that at the present time there could be any comparable contribution to the social order by any other person on the planet that would  have such a positve impact according peace throughout the world.”  Mr Harpviken said as yet there has been no response from President Trump, but in light of the president’s covetous attraction to the award he is certain he is earnestly considering the offer.

Trump Visits Smithsonian Zoo to Refresh Knowledge of the Animal Kingdom

Recent confrontations  with proding female legacy reporters have caught the president a bit flat footed.  Usually quick to come up with an insulting nickname for the gals that dare criticize him, this attribute failed to engage during his meeting with Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman. When ABC reporter Mary Bruce peppered him with questions about his conflict of interest dealings with Saudi Arabia, and the Crown Prince’s involvement in the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Trump characteristically went on a rant but noticeably did not interject a sophomoric nickname for Ms. Bruce.  He did utilize his fall back move,  threatening to revoke the broadcasting license of ABC television.  But the whole episode seemed to fall flat without Trump’s intemperate middle school name calling.

Just a few days before when a female reporter on Air Force One started to ask him about the Epstein files, Trump let it be known he would have none of it.  In true Trumpian fashion, he yelled  “quiet piggy,”  sending a clear message to all lowly female reporters none should trifle with the most powerful man in the world.

Feeling he might have lost his touch after the Bruce confrontation, he thought he needed to step up his game. Since the “piggy” slur had landed so well with MAGA members,  Steven Miller suggested a zoo visit might be just the ticket.  He thought observing animals in their synthetic environments would offer inspiration, and of course it would be a relaxing divergence from the rigors of the golf course.

All indications are the trip was a resounding success.  The elephants, hippos and apes were mentally bookmarked for quick reference when a quick physically degrading insult should be required in the future.  The childrens petting zoo harbored obvious possibilities .  Since Trump is not inclined to duplicate nickname creations, little time was spent observing the two pigs (i.e. “piggy”) or shetland pony (i.e. “horseface'”).  But Trump felt the donkey, cow and goat had significant potiential and were introspectively catalogued.

To complete a very gratifying day, the president instructed VP Vance and Secretary Rubio to scour the enclosed pen for retrievable animal excrement and engage in a competive game of “dodge scat”.  After a few minutes of hillarious enjoyment, the president lost interest, and he and Steve Miller headed for the exit, notifying Vance and Rubio they would have to find their own return  transportation.

 

 

 

Updated CDC Web Site Restores Bloodletting as Prefered Treatment for Infectious Disease

By way of clarifying the new anti vaccination information appearing on the the government’s CDC website, it now posts bloodletting as the primary method health care professionals should consider when presented with a patient with viral or bacterial infections.  The new information was added on instructions from Health and Human Services secretary Robert Kennedy.  Kennedy, who basically rejects modern germ theory and believes the human immune system will take care of itself with healthy living and good nutrition, believes bloodletting has gotten a bad rap.   “If it was good enough for George Washington, it’s damn well good enough for the rest of us,” he has often stated.

In related CDC news, Kennedy has informed that department that the new prefered protocol for treating health conditions that present with  moderate or temperate symptoms will be leech therapy.

Speaker Johnson’s Family Initiates a Wellness Check

The family of House Speaker Mike Johnson requested a wellness check yesterday over concerns about the speaker’s recent reclusiveness.  It  has emerged that the speaker has not left the house for seven weeks, and for the past five days has locked himself in a basement room of his residence.

One of the responding police officers, Sergeant Doug Wilson, said that the family informed him that as time elapsed during his self-imposed congressional recess, the speaker became more and more depressed until it reached the point when he raided the residence pantry of canned food items and locked himself in the basement mother-in-law suite.

Information gathered from the family members revealed the pivotal cause of Mr. Johnson’s distress is his psychological conflict over the Epstein files.  As a deeply religious man, he feels he has a moral duty to do everything in his power to secure the file’s release.  On the other hand, crushing political pressure bears down on him to do otherwise.  Mr. Johnson’s 38 year old adopted son Junior put it this way.  “He knows the right thing to do is get the files out there.  He openly stated several times he has an obligation to  do that.  Then when it became public knowledge that Trump was extensively involved in the mess, the politcal pressure was so intense he not only made a conscious decision to go along with a cover up, but he became the unwitting commander of an unholy alliance protecting pedophiles.  And it’s killing him.”

Junior is particularly close to the speaker.  The two of them have made a pact to inform each other whenever they are tempted to succumb to the enticement of pornography, using computer software that enables rapid notification. Newsweek Nov 6 2023:

Junior says he rushed over to his parents house after his anti-pornography feature lost contact with his father’s.  When at the home, he had to speak through the locked door of the mother-in-law suite.  “My father was weeping and telling me he had let me down.  He was obviously emotionally conflicted, saying he was afraid he was traveling the road to hell by abandoning the Lord and serving a false prophet.  I could tell his mind had been visited by wicked demons,” Junior said.  “That’s when we decided to call the police.”

The police involvement initiated a panic attack from the speaker that escalated into screaming hysterics, but after the police and Junior calmed him down and he assured everyone he was alright, he unlocked the door and the police left.  Family members also adjourned to the upper level of the home leaving Junior alone to console his father.

Junior said that the two of them talked briefly about the president, reporting that his father was specifically interested to know if his son agreed with the surging population who think they have been duped by a dividian leader possessing  demonic powers and who’s soul is a moral wasteland.   Junior, who runs a marijuana business and dabbles in cryptocurrency, thought it best to mollify the situation by reminding the speaker of all the good that could result if he should happen to get some inside information about the looming plans the president has for federal stablecoins.  Junior said that made his dad feel a lot better, and he is ready to convene congress and continue the work of his lord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

President Trump Brings Man Back from the Dead

When reporters at yesterday’s  press conference began inquiring about the president’s detachment during the recent Oval Office meeting with pharmacuetical executives, Steven Miller became irrate.

Press corps members expressed concern about Trump’s comportment during last weeks Oval Office conference where an attendee suddenly collapsed

“The man was laying dead on the floor and you guys don’t notice the president’s deep state of meditation?  You act like he was standing there with his thumbs up his ass.  He saved the man’s life!”  Miller said as he stormed out of the room, leaving Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt to provide clarification.

“Yes, yes of course,” Leavitt deftly responded, and proceded to switch her lips into rapid-fire mode.  Pouty Lips Hire   “As you well know the president possesses mystical powers incomprehensible to the rest of us.  That man was dead on the floor and thanks to the president’s quick thinking and impromtu telapathic response, he was able to transmit  life saving rays of devine resuscitative matter into that poor man that fortunately pulled him from the brink of death.”  After a short pause that gave the members of the press time for apologetic reflection, Ms. Leavitt said the incident should make clear to everyone  how the president always considers the needs of others before his.

Ms. Leavitt also reminded everyone that whenever the president appears to be snoozing he is merely regenerating his messianic powers.  

Medbeds, Peace in the Middle East and Ukraine and Other Good News

Fresh off finding out he has solved America’s health care crisis with his ingenious Medbed card, Straight from our Big Brother’s Ministry of Plenty    President Trump was absolutely elated to see he ended the wars in Gaza and Ukraine overnight.  Taking a cue from his sister in law Lara,  Don Junior relayed the good news on Trump’s Truth Social network.  Not to be outdone, this morning Eric Trump had his own posting on Truth Social,  informing  his father that he has just crushed the nations nagging inflation numbers with his construction of  a nation-wide chain of grocery stores called Goodgrub, all stocked with typical supermaket items priced at 1970 levels.  When asked to comment on his remarkable achievements, Trump said it was nice to see his family’s involvement in announcing his incredible accomplishments, and was quick to point out the Medbed card would be the end of Obamacare, and he had now fulfilled two of his most pivotal second administration campaign promises.   “The corrupt communist Democrats said I would never end those wars and lower grocery prices, but I’d say they look pretty foolish now, wouldn’t you?”

 

 

 

North Korean Leader Conducts Mass Execution Rampage

It has emerged that the supreme leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, has executed nearly every member of the country’s Central Committee.  A spokesman and interpreter, Hu Flung Poo,  stated the supreme leader became incensed after he viewed a video of President Trump’s cabinet meeting this week.  “Basically it amounted to an out of control jealous raging,” Hu said.  “He had never seen so much ingratiating groveling and was stunned  at the degree of extravagant servitude Trump’s cabinet members embalmed him with.   He was particularly impressed, but paradoxically  enraged, over the excelleration of praise heaped upon the president with each successive speaker. It seems the more he thought about the lavish devotion of Trump’s toadies,  his chagrin spiraled into feelings of envious resentment and anger at his party confidants he has surrounding him, considering the group a disastrous failure in comparison.”  Hu went on to say that  Kim Jong Un is absolutley intolerant of any perception that he is not the most magnificent leader of all time, and advisors not fullfilling this demand are historically doomed to a savage demise.

“It seems to me the consideration of insufficient praise as an unforgivable offense is something both of these leaders have in common.” Hu said. “Of course unlike North Korea’s government,  America’s form of democracy will always prevent petty obsessions of  retribution from getting out of hand.  Right?”