2/20/18- Dear Diary:
Well we made it through the first year Diary, and boy what a year! I think America should be damn proud of what president Trump got done. The wall is under way, that silly Obamacare is caput, and we rounded up all those bad muslims and Mexicans. I think that’s a pretty impressive list of accomplishments. Of course the dishonest media is making a big stink about all of this stuff. I think Gitmo was a great idea. Our prisons are all filled up, so what better place to stuff all those muslims. We’ll figure out what do with those guys someday. And what a clever idea it was to use all those school busses to transport the Mexicans back to Tijuana. They just collect dust in the summer anyway.
And we kind of need a way to cut expenses. The dishonest press said a bunch of people were upset when they found out they were going to have to pay for the wall after all, but Ms. Conway came in and got that all straighten out and did a pretty good job explaining it was President Obama’s fault for letting all those Mexicans into America in the first place. For some reason just mentioning Obama’s name like that seems to make people realize what a great president Mr. Trump is. But really, like Mr. Trump says, the funding problem is on Congress anyway. It’s their job to figure out where 26 billion dollars comes from. He tried his best to get Mexico to pay up. You know about the twitter war he’s having with Vicente Fox. I know he’s not the the Mexican president in office anymore, but he really should watch his potty mouth. Using the “f” word and all. I’m so glad our president doesn’t stoop that low. He might not know a lot of words, but like he says he knows all the good ones.
3/02/18- Dear Diary:
Well the dishonest media is at it again Diary. They’re saying there’s some sort of conflict of interest with those new golf courses Mr. Trump has going on in Russia and Syria. Everyone knows his sons are the ones involved in that. He’s way too busy managing his Twitter account to have time for any outside business. That damn Vicente is just a constant bother the president has to deal with. They’ve been going back and forth now for over a year. Right off I kept telling him to just let it go. As assistant press secretary (How I Became Assistant Press Secretary) I get to sit in on a lot of the office conversation, and I have to tell you if he comes across a tweet or something on TV that bothers him, that Oval Office is likely in for some overheating. Nothing seems to lather him up like ol’ Vicente though.
Of course I told you a year ago what set him off was Vicente’s tweet about him being all illegitimate and stuff since he lost so bad to Hillary in the popular and then he just had to bring up that awkward intelligence information about Russia pushing the election his way. It’s got to the point now the two of them pass insulting tweets to each other pretty much every other day. I have to say I’m a little worried where this is headed. Like that tweet he sent today. “Roses are red, violets are blue; Mexicans are losers, that means Vicente too. So sad!”
3/10/18- Dear Diary:
Well wouldn’t you know it those prissy environmentalists got their underwear in a bunch over the president’s executive order to have all the wind turbines in the country dismantled. He really hates those things and made sure we understood he did it out of concern for all the poor birds that those murderous machines kill. His complimentary directive to switch all the electrical facilities back to coal is just the thing to help out our feathered friends.
And what is up with all those tree huggers anyway. Geezus if anyone knows the best places to drill for oil it’s EPA Secretary Pruitt. Mr. Trump stayed up all night tweet bashing critics objecting to the Trans Yellowstone Pipeline. God what a bunch of whiners. Maybe all that fracking wasn’t such a good idea in Oklahoma, but this is Yellowstone for Pete’s sake. Thousands of earthquakes rumble through there every day. What difference will a few hundred more make anyway?
3/16/18- Dear Diary:
I have to agree with the president on this one. When Robert Di Nero got on stage during the Oscars and started calling the president a “crazy man,” well that’s just plain disrespectful, and the president had every right to skip the G8 Summit so he could spend some quality twitter time letting people know how overrated Di Nero is. Did you see Taxi Driver? I really thought the president put Di Nero in his place with his tweet “I could have played that part blindfolded. What a hack!” Spot on Mr. president!
The last couple of tweets Mr. Trump fired off at Vicente have me even more concerned than before. Now that the vindictive poetry has regressed to limericks, the president seems to be a little out of his element.
3/20/18- Dear Diary:
Ms. Conway got a little upset with the president today. Sometimes the two of them get into heated discussions about what’s more important. Of course Mr. Trump knows he has to deal with all the unflattering tweets and dishonest media and as you might suspect Ms. Conway does her best to remind the president about governing stuff, and every once in awhile the president turns all red and then he and Ms. Conway leave the room and then they duck into a closet in the hallway. I don’t know what goes on in there, but every time they come back out of that closet Ms. Conway has Mr. Trump all calmed down. Boy if you ask me I think that Ms. Conway has really earned her stripes.
3/21/18- Dear Diary:
Well Diary the shit hit the fan today. Ms. Conway really got in the president’s grill for not studying up on the the speech she prepared for him. After the stock market crashed yesterday she thought it might be a good idea to have a press conference and tell the people the dishonest media was way overblowing the situation and sort of calm people down. That damn Vicente started the whole thing when he sent out that tweet about GM and Honda moving their SUV production to Mexico and how Walmart and then GE and Verizon were thinking about shifting business across the border too and you better believe Mr. Trump wasn’t about to take that sitting down so he started off with all the threatening tweets, and wouldn’t you know it stupid Wall Street panicked with the huge sell off. And guess what Diary? Ms. Conway up and took Mr. Trump’s phone away. Of course he started getting all red in the face, but Ms. Conway took control of the situation with another trip to the hallway closet.
3/22/18- Dear Diary:
I thought Ms. Conway did a bang up job on TV last night. With the president still left a little stunned without his cell phone, Ms. Conway was stuck with the job of facing the press. I think she said it all with her closing statement “It’s time America stopped paying attention to what President Trump says and start listening to what’s in his heart.” From what I hear quite a few people out there say that makes some kind of sense.
To show you how clever the president is, he got ahold of another cell phone. Naturally he couldn’t get out of the White House without his security team, so guess what he did Diary? Last night he shimmied out of the master bedroom on a bed-linen rope. Do you believe it? Then he took a cab to the nearest Verizon store. Honest to God!
3/23/18- Dear Diary:
Of course, dear Diary, you might have figured we all found out about that cell phone episode. The president didn’t have a credit card on him or anything so he just ran out of the store with his phone and then didn’t have any money to pay the cabbie so the police got all involved. Mr. Priebus and Ms. Conway were able to straighten things out though. And take his new phone away. Tonight I have to sleep in a small office in the Treasury Building so I can keep an eye on the Master Bedroom windows.
3/24/18- Dear Diary:
I don’t know exactly what happened Diary, and I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to retrace all the steps. In the end we found out it wasn’t Vicente doing all the tweeting after all, at least for the past four months. It was some 400 pound fatso by the name of Harold Tweedy. He was just laying around on his bed one day and figured out how to hack into the president’s cell phone. After he lost his Obamacare coverage he become despondent, and sort of turned vindictive. He was all set to have bariatric surgery and then all of a sudden Congress up and pulled the rug out from under him.
After he got caught Harold admitted getting the stock market to crash was particularly satisfying to him, but he didn’t expect things to go this far. Since the president hasn’t had a phone for a few days we were all wondering what in the world North Korea got so jacked up about. After a little CIA and FBI research, kind of concentrated on who all had nuclear weapons at their disposal, they were able to trace back some tweets between Harold and Kim Jong-Un. Harold had him believing he was President Trump and tweeted off one disparaging remark after another. Well that guy is even less receptive to criticism than our president, if you can believe it, and as you can imagine, Diary, it was just a matter of time before Harold pushed Kim Jong-Un’s button. And as it turned out that was the button that triggered the button that sent that ICBM into the heart of Los Angeles. It’s just a big mess. Late this afternoon we found out North Korea isn’t the only country Harold poked a stick at. President Assad got a little miffed at all the personal insults he thought Mr. Trump was tweeting and decided to barrel bomb all 36 holes of the Trump’s fancy golf course in Damascus. Surprisingly Mr. Trump is taking things pretty well, but Ms. Conway is the one turning all red. Since things are kind of in reverse order, I’m not sure if that hallway closet will work out like before.
IN THE END THESE PEOPLE SAW LITTLE HUMOR IN TWITTERGATE